Pretty please make this week be over.

It has been a long day. Tomorrow will be even longer. I thought I was going to see MC before his trip and now that's not going to happen. Sigh. I'm insecure. But more than that, I am tired and sore. I'm lying. More than tired and sore, I am insanely insecure about everything. I don't feel capable at work. I do not feel capable at school. I do not feel capable of relationships. 

I f'd up with MC a bit, I think. I haven't told him that I do not do well not talking about things that are serious. Talking about life and love and what our expectations are is so very important to my well being and we have not even spoken about what we want out of dating. I need things all laid out on the table or I feel anxious and frustrated. He on the other hand, is a carefree spirit. I don't think he is the type to want to or need to talk about life and love. And that is why this will most likely never work out. I sort of had that suspicion since date 1 or 2. He is the kind of guy I would want to be with if I could live within my adventurous mind. It's the mind where all I do is travel, eat, drink, and be unhealthy without a care. But honestly, that's not really the whole of me. That is just a piece of me to be indulged from time to time. Inside I am a hunkerer. I like to hunker down and feel protected and secure. Not that I want to be a home body with 2 kids and a 9 to 5. But I do want some middle ground. I do want someone who will ponder life's mysteries with me. I want someone who will carelessly tell me that they hate being away from me... that they miss me. I want someone who will risk being exhausted on a work day just to spend time with me, because that's what I do for anyone that I enjoy being with. That is not him or at least I am not the person who can do that to him. He is capable of amazing sweetness.  But I don't think he is capable of really wanting me enough to make me feel secure. That's my problem and one that is not going away. I think I'd rather be alone than feel that way.

This is not really about him. In fact, it's not about him at all. This is about me and my lack of balance, my inability to put my feet on the ground. This week needs to be buried along with the whole of 2010. Each day feels like it's drawing me closer and closer to the end. I'm begging for it to move faster. Strange, how badly I long for the days, weeks, and years to just disappear and for my life to fade into the background.