drama

Do you want me to be honest with you? I mean, really honest? Ok, well, here goes. I had an awful weekend most of the weekend. I mean, I had some great moments. There was the bike ride out to Club Jager on Friday night. There was the one drink and the casual conversation. But sadly, that was followed by drunken conversations that were depressing and crazy. I was not the drunk one, though, so that was good. And all that was said was perfectly justified and I was happy that I could be there, be a friend to someone in need. The problem is that you are aware of my fragility and this conversation hit close to home, testing me. Saturday I did nothing that I can remember. What did I do? I studied a lot. I ate a lot. I cried a lot. And yesterday I got up early and went for a bike ride, taking advantage of the beautiful morning. My back still aches but I did it. Side note: I ran 7.5 miles Saturday -- best run in a long time, despite my plunge into smoking.

So anyway, yesterday I watched the football game with friends. But the drama followed me. I wouldn't actually call it drama as much as I would call it venting mixed with the incestuous group dynamic. It exhausted me, wore me out. I even started crying in the god damn kitchen. WTF? I do NOT do that. I do not. But I did. Luckily there was only 1 witness and she was the one who I talked to on Friday and had her share of tears. Dude, it sucked. I left early, went back "home" and cried, sobbed, cried, ate peanut butter and almost drown. I was so darn low that I texted Brian. We had a back and forth that was good but so sad. So sad. My eyes were huge and puffy and I felt awful. As that was wrapping up I got an invite to hang with MC (6'6" guy I've been dating for a few weeks now).

It was good timing. I knew I was going to look like shit and take some time to get in the groove, but I knew I needed to. I needed to get out of the house and out of my head. I wanted companionship. I wanted to laugh and smile. I wanted to feel ok for the night. So that's what I did. I went to his house and enjoyed myself. I enjoyed myself a lot. I like spending time with that man no matter what it means to either of us. I smiled almost the entire time that I was there. We sat out on the patio smoking and talking about his upcoming trip. I got wrapped up in his enthusiasm. It was a good night. There seemed to be a little more romance than in the past date... a little more hand holding and kissing and playfulness. Just talking about it makes my heart thump a bit. Thank MC for turning my attitude right around. Thank god that can still happen. Maybe I haven't been lost to the bitter end just yet.