Bruised and battered

My body is destroyed and I think it's taking its toll on my mind. I'm pretty sure I severely bruised the ribs or maybe even cracked one. I can't begin to explain the pain that comes with trying to get in and out of bed or the car for that matter. Driving today was a total bitch. I would go to the doc, but I know that all they can really do is give me some Vicodine. Not that I wouldn't enjoy a few happy pills right about now, but I just don't think that's a path I need to go down. First of all, imagine the running and lifting weights I might attempt if all hyped up on drugs. I'm fairly sure that would not help in the healing process. Secondly, the pain in my body is accompanied by a pretty dark mind. The last thing I should be doing is clouding my depression with drugs.

That was probably a bad choice of words. Don't worry, I'm not "depressed" in the sense that I am waiting for someone to drag me to the doc to help me analyze and compartmentalize my feelings. I don't need to talk about the pain and how to control my emotions. No, I am just fucking sad like anyone who has had the year that I've had, would be. It's god damn depressing sometimes. It will subside but for now, it is what it is.

I saw a picture of Gina & the baby on FB yesterday. I'm still linked to Brian, she's linked to Brian, and thus I see her profile pic. I shouldn't have this connection but I'm just not in the mood to let it go. So I saw the picture and it just felt weird. You know how I said earlier that I don't know if I want kids? Well, I'm trying to understand what that kind of life would be like. I'm trying to wrap my brain around the options. I want family... some sort of family. But that does not mean I have to have little ones, right? Maybe my family will be unconventional. Maybe I will be better off on some sail boat in the middle of the ocean or some hut on a beach. That dream still lives.

I think I need to take some time today to close my eyes and imagine myself within that dream. I need to imagine where this life could be in a year. It could be wonderful. It could be grand. I need to imagine how it would feel to be healed of all these bruises -- to be free of the battering.