Sorry, man. I know it's been awhile. Life has got me running like a crazy woman. My head is spinning. My world is spinning. It is all so inexplicable. The way that things can spiral and change in a blink of an eye never ceases to amaze me. I had 2 of the most amazing evenings over the last week. I'm talking about the kind of nights, the type of energy, the type of craziness that rarely comes along. My body, my skin, my mind.... totally blown to shreds in the best possible way. I've come to the conclusion that I am a hopeless fool. I've also realized that I desire and respect intellect and creativity more than I would like to admit. In the presence of it, I am shy and uneasy. I am alive. Being around it makes me want to dive into anthropology and religious studies. I want to go to the theater. I want to go see some dance. I want to go to the Weisman. I want to skip class and go dancing. I want to sit and talk and talk and talk and listen, listen, listen. Jesus, I am so screwed.
I am entirely uneasy and unsure of myself and my instincts. I'm totally uneasy about my ability to judge good from bad, right from wrong, beauty from pain, reality from fantasy. I am scared. I am lucky lucky as hell.
Yes, I seem to be talking in generalities without giving you any real substance. I've done that a lot since I started dating. I'm protecting myself and my dates. A little bit of discretion seems important. I'm pretty open and honest here, but I would hate to let that hurt others or get in the way of my actual living. But let's talk a bit about what dating has been like. I have gone out with at least 12-13 people since my split about 10.5 months ago. It started out pretty darn awful. I had tons of 1 dates where I felt bored and uncomfortable. I made out with a few guys but no real connections. And then in the last few months things really started to turn around. I met people that I really like and have fun with and seem to actually get me, even when I become my babbling, overly-honest dorky self. It's been fun and empowering. I've been able to explore parts of my mind and my passions that I've never been able to explore. Of course, there have been moments, weeks even, when the deep guttural pain takes me over. You should have seen me 2 weeks ago. I was in a deep, dark place. Thank god for good friends and peanut butter.
Where am I going with this? Well, I guess I just want to say that when you really connect with someone on multiple levels in various layers, it feels ridiculous. It's ridiculously amazing how transformed the world and your place in it can seem. All of the dark seeps down the cracks. Suddenly you become thirsty, hungry, veracious for information and knowledge and more time to spend indulging and playing and figuring it all out. It's gloriously amazing. And yet, having been through a long time relationship and having lost your best, best friend in the whole wide world, it can be difficult to trust in anything or anyone, including yourself. That feeling of betrayal sits in your stomach like a big hunk of fatty prime rib. It's not pretty for the one holding it and it sure ain't pretty for those around you who must deal with the constant flatulence. Know what I'm saying?
Anyway, let's focus on the good for now, because it is oh so good. I've done things in the last 2 months that still surprise me. I could probably cross a lot of things off my bucket list...my private bucket list that is. What? Get your mind out of the gutter, man. I got my first ever vehicle related ticket. Sure, it was a parking ticket but still. I've been riding on a motorcycle through the countryside. I've had some impossibly amazing make out sessions. I mean, take my god damn breath away -- can kissing really be this frickin' awesome? types of kissing sessions. I've been sober cab (I know, I deserve a metal). I've had a guy cook for me. I've had a guy order in breakfast for me. I've walked along to the Stone Arch Bridge and riverfront at night. I've had my back rubbed by someone I'm dating (prrrrrr). Oh shoot. That just reminded me of a little name that I got called which I will refrain from sharing here but now I'm all silly girl giddy. Oh, Jesus, this little girl is in some serious trouble. umm. yeah. Let's listen to some tunes.
The Pixes: Isla de Encanta
Metric: The Twist
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