Same old. What aloneness does.

I'm feeling dark and morbid after waking up giddy and goofy. It's the normal progression of days. I was supposed to go to Duluth with J, the guy I've been dating for a few weeks. He decided he was not motivated enough for the drive. Instead he came down here with his dog and we did nothing of consequence -- nothing that got us any closer to one another. He left really early. I told myself that's it, it is over. I ate too much. I puffed up and became bloated as shit. I napped and ate more. Still bloated as shit. J started chatting with me online after the nap. I told him that I didn't think the dating thing was working out. He said he agreed. We've now been chatting on and off for about 3-4 hours. I think that we are similarly lonely and dark and hurting and needing of some sort of something. It's sad. And yet, why should we not be friends when we're both in need and we find some sort of comfort in talking with one another? Friends in this world are hard to come by. Or at least that's how it has always been for me.

I've been lying in bed now for 6+ hours. It's not healthy. I feel like shit. But these rounds of aloneness and thinking are needed, I guess. I've been re-reading my blogs and thinking about Brian and my life and where it has all gone. It's odd. Sometimes I still think that I will end up back on my deck, laughing and making Brian dance with me, with none of this being real. In a strange bit of sadness, I went back and read Brian's old Facebook posts where he boasted about me and my cooking. There is a comment where I called him "my dear husband." Don't get me wrong, I am over him. I am over that part of my life and enjoying this part, for the most part. But still, sometimes it is difficult. Sometimes I'm not sure who I am or where I fit in or what this life has in store for me. Sometimes I still feel so very responsible. Sometimes I want to fucking scream.