back to school

It's back to school. Yes, already. I'm not ready. I'm seriously contemplating calling it quits. Put my money back in the bank, enroll in a nice anthropology class or two and forget about this whole massage thing. Maybe get me a motorcycle and start ridin’ with all my friends. School seems like such daunting work. It seems like a hard career. It seems like a waste of precious time. I want to spend my evenings on bikes and curled up on couches and pounding my legs on a treadmill. I want to find someone to adore and spend my time adoring them. But that’s just foolish, lazy PMS girl talking. I know I can’t quit. Ho hum. I’m not a quitter.

I’ve taken up smoking again. Don’t judge. Met a boy and well, smoking with him is pretty hard to beat. Running doesn’t quite have the same thrill or importance right now. He’s got me feeling a tad on the giddy side. He’s got me embracing my debauchery and exploring my optimistic side. I’m sitting here listening to some music, some old music, some good old country music. Can you say “Walkaway Joe?” Can you say “Lady?” Can you say “there’s something about this time of year that spins my head around. Takes me back and makes me wonder what she’s doing now.”

It’s bringing back the memories. It’s taking me back to 17. Oh yes, my friends, I was a country fan. Miss G can attest to my Garth obsession phase. So this music, it’s taking me back to days ridin’ in Bessie, my good ole bench-seat brown Pontiac. It’s bringin’ me back to cloudy fall afternoons singin at the top of my lungs. Some things should never change.

In a way, I feel like I’m that age again, all pumped up on emotion and adrenaline and hormones… only this time there’s a hell of a lot more baggage. This time I don’t look fresh. When my eyes get puffy, they get so puffy I see the old woman on the other side. My body is worn. My mind often goes to dark place. Yet this time, it’s also pretty damn exiting. I do NOT fucking need anyone. It’s pretty fucking amazing to realize that I have this loving, giving person inside of me that I can chose to share. Or not.

I’m sure most men smart enough to date me (wink, wink), will get a piece of my stupid, overflowing heart. I can’t hold that back. But that’s ok as long as I don’t let them stomp it all out of me. But someone, one lucky man (yes, I’m going to boast a bit more) might get lucky enough to capture my heart for good. And this time, there’s no holdin’ anything back – it’s balls-to-the-wall passion, love, and joy for that special someone. And truth is, if they capture my heart, I will be one amazingly lucky woman. Because this time around, to capture my heart, they’re going to have to be one amazingly awesome person. At age 33 I have a couple people in my life that I love passionately. I mean it, I love them and all their flaws and all their stupid ways and all their not loving me tendencies. Any new person is going to have to knock their socks off and feel as home with them. It’s just how it has to be these days. Yeah, so I may end up a slumpy, sad, alone person but fuck… I’d rather that then have my heart torn out again. I’m over it.

So breaking off the dating of J was the right decision. I enjoy him. I like him A LOT. But the passion and the sweetness and the courting just aren’t there. We will be friends for now, I hope. We can make each other laugh. And we can help each other find our way through some of the dark, craziness of this world.

I’ve been obsessing over Mason Jennings. I heart him. So big. And I rarely say that. But oh my, oh my. He makes me feel pretty damn good. He makes me feel all midwestern and ready for some campin' and drinkin' and dancin'. Love em'. Love em'. Love the smile he be puttin' on my face.

Mason Jennings

Fighter Girl

Hey, hey, little fighter girl
It's you and me up against this whole wide world
Sleeping together in the lion's den
Got your earrings in my pocket till I see you again

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

Come on, kiss me
Keep on kissin' me
Come on, kiss me
Keep on kissin' me


Another good one... Ballad for My True Love.