welcome Cooper

Welcome to Cooper James Marek-DeLong. Yes, the baby boy was born. It's pretty difficult to know what to say when your ex-husband calls you and tells you the news and then cries and cries. It's pretty difficult when he tells you that he misses you, especially when he's not the type to tell you such things. It's pretty sucky to have to tell him to let go of the sadness, let go of me, and embrace his family. It's pretty difficult when you tell him to "take life by the balls" and he says, "the ones covered in poop." Ha. ha. ??? I mean, what the fuck. It feels so entirely unfair and twisted. How did I sit on that phone call for so long. How did I find it within me to say "I don't know what to say, but I'm happy that everything is good." Motherfucker. Why can't I just be angry. I just can't. But this time I did tell him that I can't do it anymore. I can't take care of him. I can't let him make me feel bad. I told him that we have to let go now. It is time for him to embrace his family and me to start new. He cried hard... a shaking, hyperventilating cry. I cried as well, but it was a resigned cry. It was a knowing cry. It was not the aching, out-of-control yelp. I refuse to let him and this child be anything more than a guy I used to love who moved on and had a kid. It's time for me to do the same. Well, not the kid part. I'm not ready for the kid part right now. And honestly, I may never be. But I am ready for moving on. I am ready for a new family. I am ready for a new love.

I spent most of my night packing, drinking wine, talking to my fabulous friend (yes you, G. thank you -- helped so much to rant) and texting. I liked the text that said, "wish you were here." I felt that in my chest. It felt warm and lovely, even if it was an intoxicated remark. I think I'm going to move on quite nicely. I must believe that there are wonderful things ahead for me. And as weird as it may sound, I wish happiness and success for Brian and his new son, Cooper (not a fan of the name, though).