Blushed

I'm blushing and feeling sort of crazy alive and scared and reckless and solid and different. I feel like the me that I always thought was me. I had my review today. It started out rough but it was good. I am confident. I am exerting my confidence. Someone called me wise today. ha! My cheeks became flush and I can't help but smile. I am not wise, but I love the sentiment. I am slightly witty. Did you know that I can keep up with some pretty smart men? It comes as a surprise to me. It's a good surprise. I think I may be coming into my own. I take a deep, deep breath as I say that. I know I'm mere baby stemps from falling back to feeling like nothing. I need to maintain my balance -- maintain my wits. I need to remain on an even keel.

Last night was interesting. I don't want to get into it too much here. Did you know a blog is totally public? I know, right? Sometimes that fact dawns on me and I start to question the things that I spew. Maybe I should lock it down. Maybe it's time I gave it all a little privacy. Don't worry, for those of you already reading, I would let you in. I trust you however ridiculous that may be.

I'm still in the dilemma over where to live. What do I do? Do I live in the house or not? Is it weird? Will it depress the fuck out of me? Will it set me far back? It's just a place, right? A place filled with memories and pictures and his things. ugh. You can't imagine how difficult divorcing someone can be. And I'm not talking about the legal divorce. I'm talking about the emotional and physical separation. I am so ready to be done. I am so ready to wash my hands of it all. But it's just not logistically possible. That sucks shit.

I love Caroline Smith and the Goodnight Sleeps. The music is so beautifully old-timey. It makes me feel so romantic. I want to put on a dress and dance in fields. I want to blow on sunflowers and drink lemonade under a big willow tree. Yes, I do feel all these things bursting out of me when I hear these songs. My eyes almost shut and I am so close to being there. This is the way my mind works.

5 Months Too Long
Closing the Doors

I’ve been waiting for you, my dear

I’ve been waiting for you

over valleys and mountains

it helps to keep counting the days

and last night felt kind of strange, my dear

last night felt kind of strange

all those blankets and sheets

and those lies through your teeth that i fell through

and closing the doors never helped me close up the room

now i’m hosting the gathering

when all the men will be boys

and the girls sing the chorus again