homesick

So very sad today. Teary. And here we go again. I keep trying to distract myself and it's no good. I have no weekend plans. I have no plans for my vacation. I just want someone to run away with.... someone to laugh with... someone to join me on the road, on a lake, or in eating s'mores. I just want to feel some sort of connection to 1 human being. Any human being. Anyone.

I may move back to my house for a bit. B is moving in with G when the baby comes. I just found out via email. That presents an opportunity for me to spend time with my cats, to grill food, to say goodbye to my home. Or maybe it just presents an opportunity for me to get swallowed up in this loss. It's difficult to say but I want it. I want to be there for right now. I want to hop on my bike from that house. I want to sit out on the deck. I want to have a fire in the fireplace and bury myself in. So now I am listening to Homesick by Kings of Convenience after the last 15 minutes of My Morning Jacket, The Bear and Golden. These songs only serve to plunge me in further, which is probably why I am drawn to them. So very beautiful. So very sad. They come close to matching the deep pressure in my back the heaviness of my eyelids. I just received B's response. He has no right to call me wonderful. Ah, shit. Tears. Fuck me.