opposition

Sigh. It's such a bumpy ride. These chills are running up and down my arms. It was the sort of an unbelievable and uneventful and entirely eventful sort of weekend that leaves you feeling an array of equal and opposing emotions. 

Friday night B came, and for the first time since we split, saw G and her baby. It was awkward and strange but not really all that different at all. Part of me felt transported back to the old days. But then he asked about the baby formula and I could see his brain spinning. I knew that he wanted to talk about and ask about fatherhood. He needs to become ingrained in this new life. That moment almost broke me down... I wanted to slide between the boards. I held strong. Here we all are, after 15 years growing up together, and I am so outside their sphere of reality and vice-versa. My reality is a quiet, open world with nothing pre-determined, nothing grounded. Their reality is full of family and responsibility. I look at all of the friends that I have had and they all have these family lives, filled with spit-up and diapers and family gatherings. I have long bike rides (did a 40 mile from my place to the river and back on Friday), meals of carrots and nuts with mustard and Coke Zero (when did I start drinking that shit) in the kitchen, and nights sitting alone in movie theaters. Last night I talked to a stranger on the phone for a couple hours like I am some sort of teenager. Many times the reception was fuzzy and I couldn't understand what he was saying. I couldn't tell if we would like each other upon meeting. I take that back. I would like him. I like everyone. I'm not sure that he would like me. I have so many surface conversations these days. I can become filled with happiness. I often get exhausted. I quit smoking. I smoke again and get pissed. I run long and hard. I devour food in some strange zone of sadness. I get excited to date. I become discouraged. All of these things can happen in a matter of minutes or hours. I feel like I am on a high speed train where the scenery is changing so fast I can hardly keep up with cities I've seen or how many people have gotten on and off while I sit there staring out the window.

The way home Friday night, by myself, I cried. I cry often. Sometimes it feels like it is expanding, filling more and more of body and soon I may just burst out onto the ground. Saturday I saw him again -- just me and him this time. He played crosswords and did not say much. I cried less. I went out after and ran/walked 9 miles. I went out with friends and drank too much on a rooftop. The rain hit my head. 

Yesterday I was by myself all day. I went to study. My laptop died. I tried to buy things to fix it. I went to the house to get a phone charger. It was awful inside and out and I felt such a deep sadness for him. His reality, his belief system, his way of coping is so far out of my understanding. I went for a bike ride and the heat made it hard to breath and made my muscles cramp. I went and saw Inception by myself. Afterward, I felt a rush of calm as I walked out into the cooling night. The being alone, the watching of a good film, the rain... it all felt sort of lovely and I let it dance over me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning. This is becoming a strange re-occurrence. I wish that I would dream.

I've been listening to this song over and over again in the car. It makes me feel strangely good. 

Tool. Swamp Song.

My warning meant nothing.

You're dancing in quicksand.

Why don't you watch where you're wandering?

Why don't you watch where you're stumbling?

You're wading knee deep and going in.

You're wading knee deep and going in.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause youre a stupid, belligerent fucker.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause youre a dumb and belligerent fucker.

I hope it sucks you down. down...down...down...

My warning meant nothing.

You're dancing in quicksand.

Why dont you watch where youre wandering?

Why dont you watch where youre stumbling?

Youre wading knee deep and going in.

And you may never come back again.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause youre a stupid, belligerent fucker.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause youre a dumb and belligerent fucker.

I hope it sucks you down.

My warning meant nothing.

Youre dancing in quicksand.

Why dont you watch where youre wandering?

Why dont you watch where youre stumbling?

Youre wading knee deep and going in.

And you may never come back again.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause youre a stupid, belligerent fucker.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause youre a dumb and belligerent fucker.

I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks you fucker;

I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks you down.

Wandering, wandering, no one even invited you in.

You're still stumbling, suffocate, suffocate,

Why don't you get away?

Wandering around, who let you in?

No one even invited you in.

Youre still stumbling, suffocate, suffocate,

Why dont you get out while you can?

No one told you to come!

My warning meant nothing.

Why don't you watch where you're wandering?

Why don't you watch where you're stumbling?

You're wading knee deep and going in.

And you may never come back again.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause you're a stupid, belligerent fucker.

This bog is thick and easy to get lost in.

cause you're a dumb and belligerent fucker.

I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks you fucker

I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks, I hope it sucks you...