I'm feeling depressed today. Low. Stupid. Tired. Sometimes my decisions are not the best. It's worse when others confirm it. This is what dating does. It's just a series of super high highs and lows. Or maybe it's just my particular state of mind. I'm not good at it. One moment I'm giddy happy and the next entirely disappointed in myself and the prospect. Right now it's me that I'm disappointed in. I'm unclear about how to handle these things. I am awkward and easily hurt. I wasn't so sure of where this thing was headed but now it feels like it is headed downhill fucking fast. That makes me not want to see him again. I think it it will just make me feel shitty like it's my fault -- like there is something entirely wrong with me. But the truth is, we probably just aren't right for each other. Or maybe no one is right for me. Maybe I'm not right for anyone.
There will be a child here so very soon and part of me feels strangely invested in that. What the fuck, you are asking yourself right about now. What the hell do I mean by invested? I don't know for sure. I guess I sort of feel like I need to make sure B is the man/father that I know he can be. Sure, there was a point that I wished for him to not be happy. But I never wished THIS on him. And I don't want him to fail. I don't want him to be on the side of the road, drunk and depressed -- a deadbeat father. In a way, he is still somewhat the most important person in my life. It's hard to get away from that. How he has turned feels like a reflection on me. I know you don't understand it. I don't fucking understand it.
The guy that I've been dating loves David Dondero. That makes me feel a sort of crazy connection to him. How can we both be familiar with so many similar musicians that most people are not. I think we're both hopeful, dark souls. He's coming to make dinner with me tonight, but I think we're both disappointed in our last date and in us. That makes it seem like work. He talked about changing the date to Saturday, but Saturday I have a thing. I had told him about it. He forgot or didn't realize what that meant. Our signals got crossed. He has an event he could go to tonight. When he mentioned that, last night, it was a sign to me. Whoa. His opinion of me has changed. He is unsure. That's cool. I guess I feel the same way. But that hint, made me want to cancel all together. It sounds stupid. It is stupid. But I feel hurt. I am easily hurt. I hate that about me.
He has asked me if I am a woman that takes shit because he said he is a boundary tester. Last night I attempted to answer. I'm not sure if it made sense to him. I'm not sure if it makes sense to me. In return, I told him about my fierce loyalty, fierce desire to take care of the ones that I love. I'm not sure how he felt about that. I'm not sure how I feel about it. You can't change who you are.
David Dondero is beautiful. He's super Americana. I guess I love Americana. It's just like Bright Eyes or Ryan Adams or Springsteen. This guy played me some Springsteen and the sound surprised me. Why have I never really listened to him before? Why have I avoided so many things? I love David Dondero's lyrics, like the title of this post and "your eggs are runny because someone came and broke out all the yoke."
When the Heart Breaks Deep
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