Why bring me down?

Why does the sun bring me so down, so low, on this  Friday in July. It reminds me of an Avett Brothers song, "I was 16 in July. The summer to my left. And no one to my right." This may very well be the first time since I was 16 where there is no one to my right.  That ought to fucking do it -- make the sun seem a little less worth enjoying. I want to enjoy it -- let it dance about my face and eyes. I want to feel in the day, in this body ok. I want to feel in this life, feet in, pushed hard against the ground. i want to feel alive and feel free for all that's ahead. But instead I am drifting, sinking, getting swallowed away. I look at my scars and listen to the ugliness of my voice and I am frightened. I heard children at play and parents screaming as the balls were kicked across a freshly cut lawn. I wanted to crawl up on the bleachers and feel what that feels like. I have a hard time believing that I will ever know what that feels like. I want to go home. I'm afraid to go home. For several years now, for far too long, I've been growing alone. Where did we go? Where have I gone? Why is it that I still love you? I hate July.