sick

I had a massage last night that made me sick to my stomach. I was so nauseous and exhausted I could barely make my way around the apartment. I woke up every couple of hours feeling wretched. This morning I got up super early to straighten my apartment because they need to inspect it or something. It was a struggle to move. My body still aches but it's nothing compared to my mind. I feel like I'm sinking. I can barely sit at this computer without my eyes just instantaneously watering up. I'm not sure why I'm back in this place. It almost feels like the worst of it is back. People want to tell me about the good things or worries in their lives and all I can think is, "look at me god damn it, do you think I have the strength to hear that? Look at my fucking insignificant, piece of shit life?" It is over-exaggerating and self-pity of the worst kind, I know. I just can't help it right now. I feel like I have my hand is stuck on some trigger that is causing an avalanche. Everything is crumbling around me and each little pebble and chunk of clay is pegging me. I'm feeling each sharp edge as they cut deep into my skin. I feel the air slowly constricting making my throat dry and my eyes ache. I am in control and yet I do nothing. I am so very tired.

Luckily, I'm a logical get-it-done sort of person. As B put it, I can easily compartmentalize. So right now, I just need to compartmentalize this feeling and put it in a tiny little box somewhere until I have more time to fully deal with its contents. For right now, I need to work and study and take advantage of no school. I think I could use a long night at the gym followed by lots of sleep. It's been too long.