dreaming of trains, dreaming of boats.

Do you remember the time I sat leaning back and could not look at you-- it was all just gasping for air and sticky heat? Do you remember us there at all? Can you see what's become of me since I regained some sense of air? Every moment spent trying not to swallow it, trying not to let it in. I think you've hardly even noticed me at all. I'm staring at this computer day after day. I'm desperate for some sense of calm, for some sense of your breath on my neck, your hands on my back. Just to mention it leaves me just a pile of flesh, just a heap of bones, just a withered, toxic mess. Is there a way to explain to anyone how much the guilt and the failure drips in, floods in, washing all of the good, all of the hopes away. You call me strong. I call you blind.

I'm dreaming of trains. I'm dreaming of boats. I can see my body there, floating on the water.

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A man that I dated shortly recommended this band Luce. It reminds me of a time before. It's difficult to know what to compare it to. Del Amitri or some of the first Train songs make sense but they also remind me a lot of Sugar Marie. I'm sure most of you don't know anything of Sugar Marie. They were a fabulous little Minneapolis band with beautiful harmonies and some of the most lovely lyrics. I've been trying to find them online somewhere so I can share them with you. If you go to this blog, it will stream "Falling" -- one of my favorites.This song is about being sick and in some ways, although I feel stupid saying it, I feel like I can relate. You can also listen to Favors. This is quintessential Sugar Marie.

"I'll be someone to trust and hold you in need. Ill be willing and honest and ask for your hand. I'll be real kind and open to change. I'll be gentle and fair and hold you in need. It starts simple. It ends the same. Let's play a game. Please won't you play." 

Sugar Marie was introduced to me by my second boyfriend. He was a sweet guy, albeit slightly troubled. I remember the way that he looked at me admiringly and made me laugh at myself and life so easily. I remember smiling a lot in those days. He has actually helped me a bit in my current state. Back in December when things were crumbling, he spent a long time on the phone with me. I am lucky to have had people like him in my life.

Luce, is a current California band producing songs that don't seem like they were made for the radio or for live performances or anything other than long road trips or nights laying on your back in the dark, where you are in a state of reflection and letting go. "My Life Alone" is an over and over and over again tune for me. After tomorrow  is slow and swaying and makes me want to leave right now... just grab 1 suitcase and be gone.

"After tomorrow, I'm no longer for sale. I'll give back the sorrow but I'm keeping myself." 

Maybe I could do that in some small swampy town in some small shack, in some place where I can no longer harm anyone, where the burden of days is lost on sleep and writing and running through the woods.

I don't know what I want of this world anymore. My family and friends feeling sad the same. Everyone the same. My optimism, my idealism, my love is waning.