Fucking Saturday Morning (in July)

It's the kind of morning where you sort of just want to sip coffee and smile out at the water. It's like fucking vacation. You sort of just wish you could wake up, have a good fuck, and then sip your coffee. Not that I know what that's like, but singledom makes you think those things would be oh so very glorious. I just got my computer set up on my deck and I should start studying. But I have 2 things to talk about first, besides the glorious fucking weather.

1. I have always wanted to go to school for anthropology and I am totally going through the ups and downs of wondering how wrong I am to be doing massage. But maybe it's not so wrong. How can you go wrong with a massage degree under your belt. It's a great supplemental career if nothing else. But 13K for this. And all this work that does not fit with my experience or talents. I'm feeling discouraged. It's going to be really damn hard to study for anatomy even though it's all on the god damn line and I hate failure. But failing by choice seems easier to take than failing because I'm an idiot.

2. I had the most vivid dream and it is still right there in the forefront of my mind. I dreamt that Gina, the other woman, and I were riding in a car and I was about to give her a massage. She touched my back in a soothing way. I was like, what the fuck man. "It's bad enough that we're going through this shit, please don't condescend me with your touch." She went ballistic and told me she had done me a god damn favor. Was I too stupid to see that this was a problem with me and my marriage. B had been unfaithful before. I slumped angry and sad in the car. Brian's Mom was there and she tilted her seat back and just sat there and said something like, "come on now girls."

One more thing. Last night I made a big salad and read some school stuff while drinking wine. I then watched "Rachel Getting Married. Wow, what a horribly sad movie. Why do I surround myself in these things? Right now I'm listening to the Swell Season. Sad. Next I will listen to Fun. Yes, Fun. is the name of a band -- period and all. It's the same guy who was in The Format. It reminds me of Brian, even though it was MY god damn music. I will leave you with some Fun. and I will go study. That was enough venting for a glorious July morning where I wish I could be fucking  (I become a crasser, bitter old bag with every moment,).

Be Calm by Fun. Fabulous. Fabulous. Fabulous. Quintessential.