I saw the doc yesterday. He gave me a prescription for shoe inserts. I have to go back today to have them fitted. He also suggested that I see a surgeon to discuss options but he sort of blew off the pain like I should just live with not being able to wear most shoes. He said something like, "well, so you won't be able to dress up and wear pumps." It was horribly condescending. And that he told me maybe I should try to the elliptical instead of running. Ugh. Not that I want surgery, damn it. I just want to control the stupid swelling and pain.
I went for a short bike ride last night and got up this morning and ran, after 2 days of NOTHING. It felt good. I've been coughing and sick but somehow the running feels like it makes everything better, despite the painful foot and despite the fact that I'm terribly out of shape right now. I know that I need to quit smoking if I am ever to get back into the shape that makes me feel healthy and desirable. I need to quit smoking. I've fallen back into its comfort embrace. It's become my cherished friend again. In truth it's the kind of friend that appears beautiful and loving but it is silently smothering and destroying everything else that is loved and good about life. I want to quit it but I'm not sure that I have enough to replace it.
I need to quit for running, for biking, for lifting, for self image and for self preservation. Is that enough reason? Maybe I should just force myself to sign up for a 10K and to do everything else to support that. Re-shift focus. Focus. Damn that's hard right now. But I just want to be able to run a good 10K easily again. Is that so much to ask? Is it? Grrrr. I can do this. New regimen starts, ummm. Friday. Yeah, Friday. Don't judge.
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