Last night I ran, biked, and relaxed. I read. I cooked cous cous with roasted beets (yummy). I went to bed early. It was a healthy evening -- a much needed evening. I'm still feeling a bit tired, but better. Yes, better. It's a sticky, hot Friday. I like it sticky hot. Call me crazy but it makes me feel alive. If only I wasn't shackled to this cubicle until 3:30. I'm trying to think of ways that I could convince my boss that it would make much more sense for me to create reports from the comfort of a deck somewhere. And with a margarita. Yes, that would make me far more productive. She's not going to buy it. Days like this make me want fish tacos and margaritas. I would like to make some guacamole. I have no one to make guacamole for. Maybe I will make it for my co-workers. That could work.
Did I mention that I am taking a dating hiatus? It was depressing the hell out of me. I don't want that pressure of meeting someone and having nothing to talk about. If it's going to happen for me, hopefully it will happen organically because right now I have a sour feeling about online dating. It's fucking ridiculous. Ok, so it works for some people. But it does not work for the awkward, freckled, freakish among us.
When I was out biking yesterday I noticed that several older, slightly chubby bikers waved at me. Maybe those are the guys I should be dating. Or maybe I should not be dating at all right now. I'm starting to get curious about this whole casual relationship thing. I just don't know that I have the personality to pull it off. I'm sort of fiercely dedicated and loyal... Casual is hard. Then again, it sure would be nice to have no real pressure at this point in my life. It would be nice to find the fun, not-so-serious side of me.
The 2 young guys that I was chatting with are all over me. It's flattering so I let them continue to pummel me with messages -- texts, IM's, phone calls. And yet, I feel cruel. Should I feel cruel when I've tried to be upfront about my situation? And that there is why I suck at dating. I know the answer. I know what I should do, and yet I don't do it.
Anyway, it is Friday and I'm glad. My only real plans for the weekend are giving and receiving massages. That should be good. After I get mine, I am planning a few hours of drinking water, crying, and sleeping. That's just the way it works. The rest of the weekend, I will try to get some studying done and hopefully get out on a kayak. I have not done that in the cities at all this summer. I think I need to find the time. I need to find ways to fit in rejuvenation whenever possible so that I don't drive myself into sickness. My stomach has been aching and bloated for about 5 days now and I can't help but think it's from stress. I was just reading that stress can kick-start Celiac disease. Not that I think that's going to happen but it made me nervous for a second. That would be the last straw... no cake, horrendous!
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