I still have not smoked. I ran another 8 full miles in the heat of the day yesterday. Can you believe it? I've got my legs back. And during those runs I felt slightly happy. I think I may have cracked a smile. It is the BEST feeling I've had in ages -- to just run and run and run like that. Of course near the end I get filled with piss and fight when I realize there is no bbq or dinner of friends or anything to return to. But alas, I have those 80-90 minutes of joy. Welcome back. Oh, I also went to the beach to study and did a little kayaking. Glorious welcome back.
Last night the loneliness built up and was too much. I needed to see my cats or maybe it was an excuse to see Brian... or maybe I just wanted to feel a little more myself. I spent a couple hours at the house. We watched some Weeds and ate some chips and salsa. Of course we fucking cried and talked too much and I did some goofy dancing and goofy faces and lots of goof. That's fucking me. And that's especially me when I'm with the right sorts of people. God, it was draining and exhausting and sad, but also so very good to feel like I didn't have to try or be quiet or be proper or be funny or be anything but what I was feeling and thinking and desiring. And that is what you miss when you lose your best friend. I miss being that person and I miss him.
Today I will study and play outside and feel ok. I will want that smoke again. I will refuse. I will have a few sips of wine and some weird combo of food. I will feel lonely but for the first time in a long time, I will smile because it's not often that you get any sort of comeback -- even if it was for only one day.
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