Resolutions

I started this on New Years and then got distracted by music, wine, and a cookie dough sickness. So, here it is, not entirely as it was intended but a post of mostly stream-of-consciousness, nonetheless.

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What does a new year really mean? It's merely some plotted dot in time that we use to help us coordinate events and feel as if there some beginning and some end for which we should strive for some sense of closure to something past and some sense of hope or goal for something new. Resolutions are for suckers. They are ideas and plots that we always desire but are too chicken shit to make happen. So we say that this year we will do it, we will. And yet we hardly ever do. I have no resolutions really. All I really want is for this 2011 time to be spent less in the past and more in the present. I want to stop this crazy teetering and resentment and move forward with my own sense of what is right and what is wrong and what is possible. Everything is possible, right? Well, not everything. I will not be a doctor or a dancer, nor will I ever be that beautifully ripped girl whom everyone adores the moment she walks in the room. I am me and that is fine. I just need to move with that, grow with that, be that. I need to do what I want... move forward. Of course, to really do that, I need to take steps to free myself of the financial binds that make it easy to feel invested in the old. I also need to stop pitying myself and being angry with those who cannot see my pain. They are right not to support the confusion and the sadness. Their ability to see it as bullshit is what allows me to maintain that it is bullshit.

Upward and onward. In the past year, I got divorced, went back to school, lived in an apartment by myself, slept with and made out with far more men than I had ever imagined possible, danced with strangers in Costa Rica, went skydiving, went white water rafting, flew from trees via zip line, gained 10 pounds, lost 10 pounds, gained 10 pounds, ran 125 miles in 30 days, smoked pot, took up yoga, fell for someone, hated someone, got stupid drunk, stayed sober for days on end, stopped smoking for days on end, smoked like a chimney, read a couple books (finally), passed 3 anatomy classes, gave countless massages, hated myself, surprised myself, enjoyed myself, weeped, laughed, blah, blah, blah.... I've done a lot when I think about it. And although this year is going out with a big old fucking, shitty bang having almost lost my job and having to settle for a big old pay and ego cut,  I'm trying to see the positive side. I survived it and in some ways I've done more good than some people do in a fucking lifetime. I took those damn horribly rotten lemons and turned them into sweet, delicious kick-ass lemonade. I am a god damn surviver. Yep, my friends, I am getting all cheesy, self-promoting on your asses. Because at the end of the day, even though I am sitting here alone and fat and sort of grumpy on this new year's eve, I am still kicking it and in a pretty awesome way.

So back to this whole idea of resolutions. Although I find them to be mostly a bullshit device by people who have no intention of keeping them (including me?), I am going to list some. They aren't new. They aren't all that dazzling or creative. They are just things that I am trying to keep front in center in my mind through all my fucking ups and downs and rants. They are the things that give me a sense of being and purpose. They are my passions and my desires. They are what will make all the bs worth it....

So, without further ranting, in 2011 I hope to:

1. Get my name off the stupid mortgage or at least try and try hard
2. Finish school (August is not so far away)
3. Stop with the sugar binges -- I don't need that crap
4. Quit my job
5. Find a place to live closer to the city or in an entirely different city
6. Road Trip! Either to Canada or Colorado. ohhh, white water rafting.
7. Visit Europe
8. Learn some Spanish
9. Read more
10. Dance more
11. Take a rock climbing class
12. Stop feeling bad for Brian
13. Get better at rejecting people when they aren't right for me
14. Go sledding
15. Run a half marathon or do a triathalon (wait, what am I saying? why did I write that. ugh)
16. Stop thinking I'm not good enough
17. Get back to a normal eating schedule
18. Get back to working out
19. Join some sort of group (book club, hiking, broomball... something)
20. Write down this crazy story of mine

There you have it. 20 things I hope to accomplish. But really, I just plan to make it the most kick ass year of my life. That's really the main goal. Not too much to ask, is it? I don't think so.