So much

So much has happened to me that it's hard to know where to begin. I haven't felt like writing, obviously. And I don't feel like recounting everything right now. I just want to tell you that I'm in Costa Rica by myself. I've been here for something like 7 nights now. And honestly, it's been quite wonderful. The first days were packed full and fun. I got asked to town by a very handsome Nicaraguan working at the hotel. Of course, I had to turn him down since I would have had to join him on his boat to get there... a little risky. I did however, dance with a couple men at the bar in the jungle. Sure, one of them was getting paid to dance with the women but hell, I don't care -- it was a blast. I also had a flirty bartender at my second hotel. He was a sweet, young buck-toothed thing. So nice and yet there was no way I could go dancing with him either. I thanked him a lot, though, and could do nothing to stop him from giving me drinks on the house. What can a girl do? lol. But here I am now in Playa Samara. It is gorgeous and hot and there are tons of people wandering around the beach. It's mostly families and couples from Costa Rica. Hardly anyone speaks English and I have no idea where to go for night entertainment. I did meet up with an acquaintance from the cities last night, which was nice. I could go meet him again tonight but I'm tired from a day of beach. Plus, I need to be up early for a kayak tour. But I digress, I will give more details about the vacation later. For now, I just want to say that I'm sort of in this struggle between my mind and my desires... my logical side and my dreamy side. Part of me thinks I need to stop dating and stop looking for a connection because it's worthless. Marriages do not work. Love is merely a passing phase. Sure, you can find friendship that lasts a lifetime, but I already have that... should I really look for another friend who will fuck me over or vice versa or should I just live my life like this? Solitary isn't so horrible. And yet, I long deeply for that connection... for that sense of falling...for having that person who misses me and whom I miss. It's tough. I know biologically we aren't meant to find that 1 person. And yet, I still want there to be one. Why is it that we can be such illogical creatures?

That's all for now. I need to get some rest and enjoy my last full day at the beach. Damn, I don't want it to be the last.  But as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Such is the cycle of life.