Checklist needed

Oh, Kevin. What a mind fuck. We eat a delicious meal at Fuji Ya. He compliments me less and tells me that is part of his plan. He must not compliment me too much. He tells me that he has been to jail 7 times and has tried pretty much every drug that exists. He tells  me that he robbed a McDonald's in California when he was 21 and on Meth. It's a good story. I laugh like crazy as does he. He tells me a story of when he was in jail. Another hilarious one. He is a great story teller. 

Back at his place he shares with me the premise of the screen play he wants to write, the one I supposedly inspired him to start writing again. It's a great premise. We sit at his round kitchen table with the lovely 70's brown leather swivel chairs. Kevin sits across from me and behind him is a beautiful built in cabinet with a few glasses neatly arranged. To my left, on the wall there is an amazing abstract painting that reveals women and angels and devils. I've seen it a couple times now and I'm still taken by it. Right below it is a lovely 70's credenza, one that reminds me of everything I love about furniture. This is his house... everything simple, clean and yet warm and totally my style. 

He pours us La Crema Pinot Noir and proceeds to explain the strategy and logistics of Spades. He does not lose at cards and we are going to pair up and play against his friends in the future. Luckily, I too hate to lose. We discuss and I think it's obvious that I will be a worthy partner. So then it's time for us to actually play something against one another. He tells me his gin rules and deals the deck. The first hand, I win. It's not overwhelming but I lay down first and end up with 95 points and he ends up with 90. We drink wine and smoke cigarettes. His mix of 1400+ songs plays on. I hear Radiohead. I hear Jack Johnson. Then there's Cindy Lauper, which makes us both giggle because of an earlier Karaoke conversation. And then Colin Hay comes on. You've got to be kidding? Really, Colin Hay? I adore that song. He tells me the entire album is amazing. Right now I'm listening. He is so very right.

I have to use the bathroom. He tells me that I am required to kiss him on the way. I kiss him. He can kiss. 

At some point in this process, I tell him that I do not trust him and his compliments. He tells me he is the most honest person there is. He doesn't lie. I tell him that I like that but I don't believe it. He says I'm going to have to if this is going to work or if any relationship is going to work for me. I mention what happened with the last guy I liked and he asks me if that guy kissed me as passionately as he kisses me. What can I say? He did. And so I laugh. He says, "Ouch!" I'm not sure where the conversation goes from there. 

We finished off the first bottle of wine and opened another. We played cards for what was probably a long time. I won every hand and eventually the game. 

I stayed the night. 

When I touch him, it is a bit like touching a skeleton. There is hardly any flesh on his bones. It's disconcerting. He is happy with his body and I'm not sure that he realizes how much this weight thing bothers me. There's really not much cuddling. This feels odd to me. I like to feel someone behind  me or nuzzle myself into some one's neck. The bed is uncomfortable and the stench of smoke makes my neck ache and my head pound. I lie there thinking that he has never kissed my neck or even nuzzled it. That's a problem. I am a Taurus. I am ruled by the neck. I attempt to snuggle a bit but there's barely a body there. I can't get over it.

When I leave he tells me that I am welcome to watch football with him later. I don't follow up. 

I'm sharing these details because I find this situation to be so difficult. I know it's not right. I'm fairly certain I'm just one among a handful of women he is seeing. And yet, I'm finding it difficult to let it go. Why can't he be 40 pounds heavier and without a criminal past? Ha. People are complicated, I guess.

I am going out on a date with someone new tonight. I'm feeling nervous as per usual. I have no expectation really, but I am excited by the fact that we plan to get a drink and then wander around a bookstore. That sounds like a pleasant way to spend an evening. I just hope that he is a nice guy. He seems like he will be, but you never know. My good friend G may have been on to something when she said I should have a checklist to go through before the first date. If you've been to jail multiple times, take lots of mind-altering drugs (legal or illegal), blame your life's problems on some diagnosed mental illness, or believe heavily in God, we should just forget it... it's not going to work.