33 and this is it. Are you kidding me? I worked my ass off and was overly conscious for so many years to make sure I had good credit and a stable, happy home. What do I get in return? Ha. Fuck being responsible. Fuck being nice. Ha! I wish that I had the ability to be that much of a rebel.
I'm sad and dark deep down inside. That's all. My chest hurts often. I want to cry often. I feel pessimistic and lost and I hate that I no longer sing or dance or am able to have passionate conversations about things other than the shitty state of my personal life. I want to move on. I want to move outside of this self loathing and pity and obsession on relationships.
I've been watching Modern Family and it's hilarious, but the truth is it makes me feel so very jealous and wanting. I fear that I will never know what that feels like. The loneliness infects every part of my god damn being. It does for everyone, though, right? It doesn't take my situation to feel lonely in this world. There are plenty of people out there who are with other people, who have family, who have friends and still feel unbearably alone. I think it might just be a part of humanity or maybe more a condition of modern society. Who knows. I just know there was a time when I felt sort of lonely but I felt bonded as well. I knew I could crawl on someone's lap and tease them or hug them or just be. I miss that so much, it makes me want to scream. Just wait until I start screaming.
I've decided to run 100 miles in 30 days. It seemed like a good way to force myself into some sort of routine. I've lost the routine this trimester and I feel fat and lazy. I rarely get in more than 6 or 7 hours of workouts during the week these days. That's ridiculous. So I ran 6 miles on Saturday and 6 miles on Sunday.
My foot is an enormous problem these days. It hurts from the first step. It's causing pain all the way up my legs. It starts with the Flexor Hallucus Longus. But my left IT band and TFL are tight as hell. My right gastronemius is hard as a fricking rock. My left biceps femoris is lumpy and gross. I think my deep lateral rotators [Piriformis, Gemellus superior, Obturator internus, Gemellus Inferior, Obturator extenus, and Quadratus femors] even hate me. and don't get me started on my Adductors. I didn't even know they were tight until I attempted to massage my legs myself. Argh!
Umm, yeah. Can you tell I have a test on the leg muscles tomorrow? I think I know where they all are now. What I still don't have straight is what they do.
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Knee flexors/hip extenders are the hamstrings: semimembranosis, semitendonosus, and 2-headed Biceps Femoris.
Knee extendors/Hip flexors are quads: Vastus Lateralis, Vastus Intermedius, Vastus Medius, and Rectus Femoris. Plus, Sartorius.
Deep lateral rotators covered above.
Abductors: TFL? IT Band? Gluteus Max? Shoot.
Adductors: Adductor Magnus, Adductor Longus, Adductor Brevis
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I also have a test on the somatic senses and hormones this week. I have to memorize a bunch of stuff including about 20 different hormones and where they are produced in the body, plus their function. Screwed! I couldn't bring myself to really study this weekend. I don't know what I was doing except drifting off and avoiding. Stupid.
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I have tons of vacation time to use. I want to go on vacation in December. I have 2 weeks to get out of town and relax before school starts back up. I have no one to go with and it's weighing on me. How completely bored and sad will I be if I go sit on a beach by myself? Will I be able to force myself to do things on my own? I'm not sure that I have that in me. I want to be strong. I want to be independent and sociable. I just don't really think it's me. After all, I can't even get myself to go meet people in this city. I know you are judging me and wondering why I am such a silly, fearful dork. I wonder the same. I want to step out of my little box, but I sort of like parts of it. It's comfy and protective and it knows me. I like feeling known.
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Discovered this band called Whitley. Loving them. This song is so beautiful
Cheap Clothes
The darkness is creeping in,
And the world is a place to hide,
I'm on my knees in the cool winter breeze,
and I think of you.
And I have tried and I have won,
and I have done so many things,
We'll sit and smile and stand for a while,
And I have done so many things.
The soil breaks your fall,
As you come crashing down like you've done a thousand times before,
Your smell's still rich on my nose,
As you tore back my cheap clothes.
And I have tried and I have won,
and I have lost so many things,
And we sit and smile and stand for a while,
And I have lost so many things.
And I still hear your voice, In my house, in my room,
You're calling, you're ten feet falling down,
Soil will break your fall like it's done a thousand times before,
And I still think of you when the night gets cold,
When it's cold
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