4 hours

That's how many hours of sleep I got last night. 4 is actually stretching it. I was up until at least 2:15 super involved in a chat with a guy. Why do I do this, right? Crazy, stupid. He's a fully tatted recovering alcoholic who dresses like a hipster (can you say skinny jeans?) makes lots of jokes about bj's, says he's entirely un-PC and obnoxious, does not want a "lumpy" girl, is 39 and is in an unsuccessful punk band. He also has a job as a bill collector and is going to school to be an x-ray tech. Never married. Never flow on a plane. He says he believes in monogamy and is 1-woman type guy. Yeah, I've heard all this before. I've been through this shit. This doesn't sound like someone who could make me happy, that could fit into my life and vice-versa. And yet, I stayed up way past my bed time and agreed to meet  up with him tonight. What the heck is wrong with me? Why is it that I am so inclined to try anyone out if they are interested in me? Is it that I get a  sort of high from trying out something risky? Is it that I'm desperate? Hell if I know. I want to say that it's that I don't think it's right to rule anyone out because I really don't know what's right for me. But that seems like a cop out, even to me. Of course I know what I want, right? I need to stop listening to those people who call be judgmental. Judgement is based on experience and knowledge and only those who are idiots don't do it. Right.

I aced my anatomy test yesterday and then we drank wine in class. I giggled a lot. I was feeling pretty good. There's that. A good reason why I will be horrible match for a recovering alcoholic. I'm tempted in this moment to send the guy an email and call the whole thing off. Sigh.

This Saturday is pretty much the Anniversary of the last night of my marriage. I'm feeling some dread and want distractions. I bought tickets to go see some dance next week but I don't have anyone to go with. Loser.

I'm obsessed with The National, Jeremy Messersmith and Girl Talk. 

I just got an IM from the guy. It's the perfect opportunity to cancel, right? Am I going to? Probably not. And why not? Loser.

This makes me want to listen to some Beck. I am a loser, baby. I've only had 2 guys call me baby. Guys that call you that are NOT to be trusted at all. This guy hasn't called me that. Just sayin.

Thai food with him tonight Uptown. Stupid me. Stupid me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've gotten behind on my running with all my quizzes this week. Sucks. Feeling fat. I need to do a 7-8 miler tonight. Need to. 

I have homework to do for tomorrow and tons of work today. Must focus. Must focus.

This date is going to be bad. I can tell. I'm either going to like him and it's going to be so wrong. Or he's going to scare the shit out of me. 

I need more sleep.