Halloween

Happy ghosts and goblins and monster day. It is absolutely fucking unbelievably gorgeous once again today. That's why I just arrived at Starbucks to study and I don't fucking want to. I want to go back outside and take a walk or another run.

I really want to scream. I'm feeling a little depressed, of course. After all it is my favorite holiday and I will do nothing with no one. I haven't talked to a soul and I probably won't really talk to a soul. Such is my life. Such is being alone. I think I might buy an entire bag of M&M's and entire bag of Snickers and stuff my face until I'm sick. Maybe I will watch something scary too. I guess I could do that.

What does it mean when someone tells you that they like you and they are physically attracted to you but they haven't made up their mind beyond that? WTF? Ok, I guess I sort of get that. I'm not talking about the guy I was talking about in my last post. I'm talking about the guy I was seeing back in August. I told him that I just didn't think dating was working. He agreed. We stopped dating but we kept talking. Then over the last few weeks, he started asking me to do stuff again. I asked him why and he couldn't really answer. Last night we had dinner and talked about nothing important. Actually, he talked a lot. He was hyper and funny. But with that comes disconnection. He hugged me goodbye. Then when I got home, we texted and he made some sexual comments and then said the thing about not being sure beyond liking me and being attracted to me. I fell asleep so I didn't get a chance to probe further. It's confusing. I think he's totally confused. I don't think I need that. I think I need someone who is sure. I hate dating.

I'm pretty sure the guy I was talking about in my last post is not going to contact me again for a bit. And when he does, I think it will be because he is lonely and not because he likes me. I think most of the things he said, he said to get in my pants. It worked. And I can't say that I feel that bad or used or anything. I just wish that people would be more fucking honest. I mean, I've been through some shit. I've been through some horrible shit. And I'm sensitive. My heart aches easily. I feel shitty easily. Is that not obvious? I feel like I wear my fucking heart on my sleeve? If it's obvious, wouldn't you think decent people would cut me a little slack? Don't you think they would try not to destroy me? That does not seem to be the case. I hate that I fucking care so easily. I hate that I let them pluck away at me so easily. I hate that I am who I am.

I hate this stupid Holiday. I really want someone to show up at my door in a silly costume with candy and sweep me away to walk and watch the kids. I really want someone to play me the monster mash and feed me candy. Even a pathetically cynical and stupid girl can't let go of her dreams, I guess.

Somatic senses and hormones are waiting. Damn.