love

I'm in search of it in every moment of my life. I can finally admit how badly I desire intimacy and affection in my daily life. Without it, I feel a bit like a machine just accomplishing useless tasks that can be easily accomplished by something better. I want that super close, comfortable love where I can just sit on my partner's lap or grab his hand or hug him at any given moment. I want the quiet love where words are unnecessary. I want the loud love where passion about stupid things overflows just because we are together..  But how does one find that?

I was having a conversation with my friend last night and we were talking about our similar expectations and what we would be willing to put up with to meet those expectations. We would both put up with some serious shit for a passionate connection. Once you've had that sort of relationship it's pretty damn difficult to settle for something less. Who wants to just like the person they're with? Like is not nearly enough. It's just not. And it's amazing but I think you can know within about an hour if you've got it. And that first kiss, well that says everything. It's there or it is not. Seriously.

Maybe if I was smart, maybe I would just give in and go back to Brian. Maybe I would just forgive his faults and live with this hurt and struggle because in the long run that would be better than not having that sort of love. But I still hold hope, even though it seems ridiculous in my own head. It is ridiculous. And yet there it is. I have this big, open heart that is hopeful that I will find that sort of love. The last guy that I dated sort of gave me hope, right before promptly ripping it away. But so what -- he turned out to be a total asshole. That's ok. It doesn't mean they all are, right? There's probably someone out there where we will share that connection and it will be even better. It will be better than I've ever experienced.

I'm not sure that I really believe that in my heart, but what is the alternative? If I don't believe it, there really is nothing for me to live for. I live for love, as stupid as that sounds. That's all I really want. And so I pout and listen to music and date and wait and get discouraged and cry and get hopeful and sing. Work and school are really just fillers, honestly. That's just who I am these days. It's an entirely bizarre life.

I highly suggest the new Jeremy Messersmith album, The Reluctant Graveyard. It is a perfect fall to winter transition album. It makes me feel at home in my longing. This song in particular is just killing me this week: A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard.