October slump.

Halloween is approaching. I am in love with Halloween... everything about it. The candy. The little kids in costumes. The adults in costumes. The weather -- that fresh chill, the smell of leaves, pumpkin and apples and chili and hot chocolate and hoodies. The past couple years I made carrot cakes and cupcakes and pulled pork and variety of deliciousness. I had people to my house and we dressed up and we listened to music and we had a big old fire. People showed up in bizarre gay robot and half naked wrestler costumes. I dressed like a punk rocker with a black wig and black fishnets and an Iron Maiden shirt. These parties were the happiest days. 

This year I am in mourning. Surrounding the next days are memories of the crumbling of that life. And it's hard to find joy in that this year. It's hard to be alone and not feel completely and utterly alone. It's hard not to give up on everything with a snap of fingers. Like the guy I'm seeing, he's going on vacation today. I haven't been in communication with him since Sunday. Why not? Why has he not even texted me since my last text? I'm ready to say that it's over. If he has no desire to talk to me before leaving, if he has not desire to talk to me at all, well then it's obviously going no where. He obviously isn't all that enamored with me. Snap my fingers and he's gone and I'm moving on. It must be time to move on to the next completely disconnected relationship where I feel uninteresting and unworthy and like there is absolutely no such thing as actual intimacy or connection. 

I actually searched and searched and searched for german phrases to send to this guy and settled on one that's just happy travels. I almost added "darling" to the end since he has called me babe in texts. But I refrained. Anyway, I sent that message a couple hours ago and thus far, nothing in return. How does this happen? How does someone move so quickly from telling you how much they like you and want to get to know you and acting almost obsessive to being completely distant and uninterested? Is it me? Or was I naive to believe he was after something other than sex in the first place? Naievity, it is quite a skill of mine. It's just like the other guy talking about how I make him giddy and he feels spoiled when he's with me and then silence. WTF. Sure, maybe I wasn't so sure either but I didn't act like that. Unless, I do. Do I seem closed off and disconnected? FML.

My brother sent me a message telling me how much his children love me and can't wait to see my again on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving... the last holiday that Brian and I spent together. It was spent in sadness and tension but it was together. I want to go away, drive far away. But now that is not an option. I love those damn kids. They break my heart with their smiles and hugs. I look at their pictures daily. If they want me, how can I be anywhere else? It's going to be a bitter, bitter, bitter sweet day. I guess that's ever day.

I recently discovered The National. I've actually tried to listen to them before and never quite understood their appeal. But then I hear their song Conversation 16 and that just did it for me. I can't stop listening to the High Violet album. Such beautifully sad songs.