story of my life.

I want to go to Social D tonight. I want to f' off and forget all my stupid school responsibilities. I have quizzes to study for and homework to do but I don't care. I want to be a silly child. I want to. Last night I was sort of responsible. I hung out with Techno again. He made me dinner and we watched movies and it was way too fucking awesome to be good for me. I was good, though. I left his comfy apartment at a reasonable hour. It was hard to do but I made sure that it was required. I'm trying to be somewhat slow moving and focused. I can't let my guard down yet. I am letting it down a bit. I totally made a move to stroke his arm and cuddle. It's hard for me to make those moves in the beginning, because it feels sooo intimate -- too raw. I feel so damn exposed when I'm the first one to show affection. It makes my heart race and my teeth clench. I fear rejection. I fear misinterpretation. But I'm fucking strong as hell. Tough as nails. Fuck with me and I will be fine. I can fuck with you right back. I don't really need any particular one. I don't need some sort of unrealistic notion of consuming love and family. See the change. See it. See me fighting and clawing. This is me. I can push the weak dreamer away and come back a million times stronger, full of punch and realism. What? You don't believe me. No? Well, screw it. Screw you and it and everything. I could really go for some chocolate. hmmm. Darn. I need to get to work. I'm writing copy for the launch of our blog. The blog is sort of my long time baby finally coming to fruition. So far, the bloggers are sucky but even so I'm giddy as hell to see it alive. I might actually sing in the car today. I want to sing in the car... maybe on my way to Social D. ;) But probably not. I probably will be tired and responsible and stuff. And then I might get sad and frustrated with myself. Story of my Life is such a great fucking song.