dreams

Bad dreams last night. Exhaustion is catching up with me. And when exhaustion finds me, so does depression. Yep, my mood is swinging or has swung. Here we go again. Yep, here we go again.
Friday evening I hung out with this guy and it was good. It was really good. I ended up only getting like 4 hours of sleep, tops. That seems to be the case when I'm with him. Going to sleep seems to be an issue. There's just too much else to enjoy and experience.

Yesterday I worked at a public health clinic. Wow. What a weird experience. I massaged a man and he asked me to please never stop. I massaged a girl who had radiating pain up and down her body. She was probably 24, homeless, and a recovering addict. She did not shave anything and had long hair growing from her armpits and her legs. She seemed upbeat. I watched acupuncture and interpreters as they tried to explain what the chiropractors were doing when they were cracking bodies. I got to sit in on case evaluations and listen to doctors and students discuss treatment plans. The conversation ended up going in various directions about insurance and available resources and then about healthy living and babies. It was pretty damn interesting. It's quite different than the business world that I have become accustomed to.

Last night I saw Sufjan Stevens. His voice is glorious, penetrating me with such glorious sweetness. Honestly, there were some overly "artsy" parts of the show that made me want to scream at him. Why must he fall into that when he has such raw talent that could be just what it is?

But I guess that's what I'm dealing with this weekend. I'm dealing with that line between reality and fantasy, intellect and pretense. I've been discussing religion. I've been looking at art. I've been trying to put into words the simple fact that I believe in gray. I do  not believe in God. I believe in passion and love and commitment and beauty and quiet. I love the quiet.

In my dream last night, I saw Brian. His face was clean and soft and bright and pink. His hair was shiny. He looked healthy and happy and then he saw me. And when he saw me, he looked like the last time I really saw him -- overweight and downtrodden and like the life had been sucked out of him. We talked and I was trying so hard to be matter of fact. It felt so real. Last night on my way home from the show I cried. I feel sometimes, still, like I can't cope. I just want to give up. It's no fun to be without your best friend. How does he survive? How do I?

But life is good, really good, in many ways... even if I'm broken hearted. I'm lucky to have loved.
Let's call my date from Friday night Techno. he used to be a dj so this works. Techno and I discussed what we want out of a relationship or I guess, more what he is looking for. He went into a big long diatribe about how he hates married people and how they lose themselves. He was with someone for 12 years and they are still best friends and business partners but he wanted something more. I'm not sure what the more was. Now that I am away from the discussion, I question it. I question him and his motives and his needs. It will never work. He is honest and open and fairly intimate. So much of it is great. But I want to give part of myself to someone else. Sure, I want my own things. But I also believe in the growing together. I believe in the compromise and the loyalty. I believe in giving up pieces of me for someone else. It's just me. I want to be able to share every dorky part of me. I want to embrace every dorky piece of someone else. But bigger, much bigger than that, I believe I want to have a family. I go back and forth, back and forth. But how will I ever live if I can't run my hands through my child's hair, if I can't bake them cookies, if I can't get giddy about stupid little events. I don't think I can live like this forever. I don't think I want to live like this much longer. One of my friends is fulfilled living for herself. Honestly, I'm just not. I'm so sad. The darkness comes crashing in.