Date

I ended up going on that date. It is a long story but I contacted him and he gave me another shot. I felt very lucky.

We went to the Wilde Roast Cafe on the first snow of the year. He hugged me hello. He smelled good. The booth was cozy, the lighting dim and the atmosphere quiet. We shared salads and wine and pizza and dessert. He asked me to sit on his side of the booth and he fed me chocolate cake while we watched horse drawn carriages go by the river. He told me that I talk too much. I laughed at that. I've grown, I guess. He told me his favorite place on Earth is Vegas and the he loves shopping for clothing. He noticed that my fingernails matched my ring which all matched my green dress. He kissed me. We went to Honey for further drinks and I told him I was going to try a special concoction from the bar and for some reason he changed the Vodka in it. It was a little odd. We couch danced a bit and he put his arm around me. He told me that I had beautiful eyes... that he liked the shape. He dropped me off at my car and we hugged and he kissed me again. He told me that he was going to write me a poem.

The next day he wrote me and asked me on a second date. I did not respond. I spent Sunday cuddling on the couch with Kevin. I went over early and made him breakfast. We watched football. We went on a walk in the snow all bundled up. He could barely move his head because of his silly, puffy hood attached to his coat... I called him a super hero. We watched Limitless and ordered Chinese. We went to sleep quietly and he kissed my shoulder. My heart ached with love. I almost told him that I loved him but I held back.

The next day I wrote the Doc back and told him we would not be going out again. It was the correct decision. He would not change my heart. He was not for me.

Winter has barely begun and I'm already freezing my ass of and dying for a long vacation. I know, I am moving to Hawaii shortly. The problem is that my boss told me yesterday that her goal is to have me running an entire email and social media department for all of our companies. She said we can do it. She said that we are going to make my dreams come true. Shit. Why do I have to love working for her so much? I am tempted to stay longer and save more money and get more experience in the travel business and volunteer around town doing massage and then move in September. But I can't do that because it seems like I am then giving up or changing my plans for Kevin. That's not what I would be doing, is it? But somehow it feels like it. I still want to move to Hawaii but I feel like I need more money and experience. Or is that just me justifying my fears and letting them change my plans? I don't think so, but then again, what do I really know about myself.

Life is complicated.

By the way, I am quite delightfully happy right now. These are pretty good dilemmas.

brunch

I am a complete idiot. I had a brunch date scheduled with a seemingly very cool, smart and interesting man. I cancelled. I awoke in Kevin's bed and thought that it was somehow unfair to everyone if I went on this date. I sent my would-be date a message, closing the door to any possibility of a future date. The second I hit send, I felt an overwhelming desire to push un-send, go back 2 minutes, change the course of my actions.

I wanted to go on that date but I was afraid of the complications that could come from it. I was afraid of hurting Kevin. I was afraid of liking this other guy and feeling torn. Those were all very real and possible fears, but so what. Kevin is still unwilling/incapable of telling me that he loves me. If he cannot do that now, I am a fool to believe that he will ever be able to do that. It's fine if I am seeing him during this time to pass the time and enjoy myself, but I am an utter fool to shut myself off from life's other possibilities. I keep making excuses for Kevin, but the truth is that he is incapable of grasping what love is. He is incapable of taking life by the balls. He is incapable of loving me the way that I want and deserve. I am easily and stupidly manipulated by men like him and I am so very tired of allowing myself to stay when I should run.

So, here I sit. We had a great time this weekend, and yet I'm feeling depressed and lonely. I am alone in my bed. He is alone in his bed. I am living in bags once again. This is not where I should be putting my heart. I should have enjoyed coffee and brunch. For some reason, this feels like an enormous mistake -- the type that will hang around my head for the rest of my years. Such a simple act, such a silly notion. I wish I could take this entire day back.

Vegas

I leave for Vegas tomorrow morning. I will be working hard and long but it will be nice to get away for a few days. I'm hoping there will be a smidgen of time to spend outdoors in sunshine. The weather isn't looking all that fabulous, but the 60's will do right about now.

I've started doing hot yoga on a regular basis. There's a beautiful studio right by me and the classes are great. I cannot explain how good it feels to be in that 105 heat, sweating out all of frustrations and wrongs and just letting myself sink into it. Yoga has been a bit of a life saver. I also did quite a bit of running over the past couple weeks but my legs are aching so the yoga is an excellent supplement as I try to give them a bit of a rest.

I'm still seeing Kevin. There was a night where we saved a cat that we didn't really save, we danced in his living room for a good hour and we laughed unbelievably long. On Halloween we handed out candy. Well, I guess I handed out the candy and then we laughed and laughed and laughed. I spent the night. He said he got back off the dating web site. He said we could date each other exclusively and see where it goes. What the fuck? Can we really go back to the beginning? He no longer calls me darling or looks at me lovingly. He hasn't told me that he loves me and wants me. So what the hell am I doing, you ask? It's never going to work if he is not committed and if he does not love me. If we don't have that, all the laughter in the world is not going to make us a happy couple. I don't have a clue what I am doing except trying to convince myself that he does love me and is just struggling to express it.I'm convincing myself that his issues can be overcome by my love and our connection. But if that were true, he would have never let me walk out the door. I'm fucking doomed to heartache in this situation. It's a choice I've made. Sometimes we do bullshit things when we chose to ignore our brains. I'm doing that and I've reconciled myself to it for the time being. What can I say... I want to dance with him again.

November is cold. I am feeling anxious to get the fuck out. It's almost 4 months exactly until the license test in Hawaii. That seems really far away and way too close.

Vegas, here I come. Maybe while I'm there things will become a hell of a lot clearer and I will meet someone who will change the course of my career or personal life or my entire life. Wouldn't that be spectacular?

I need some new music. This old stuff is just not fucking doing it.

Uptown is beautiful in the fall. Yesterday I ran around Lake Calhoun as the sun was setting and the leaves were shimmering. I came home and made couscous and drank wine. Lovely. I hate it here. My friend is great, she is, but whenever she is here it is non-stop talking about herself. I can't even walk in the door and it begins. It's a billion degrees in the living room. The dog ate my headphones and now the handle off of my glorious water bottle. I am tired and lonely. Saturday I am going out with Kevin. Last night we texted back and forth. I feel confused by this situation. What am I doing? What am I really doing with this life of mine? I was listening to the Ben Folds song "The Luckiest." Do you know that song? God, it's gorgeous. I want that so badly. I don't want to sound needy and co-dependent. But honestly, I am better when I am loving. I was made for it and I can't escape it. I am an independent, smart and perfectly capable woman. But I want companionship. I want to love someone.