Vegas

I leave for Vegas tomorrow morning. I will be working hard and long but it will be nice to get away for a few days. I'm hoping there will be a smidgen of time to spend outdoors in sunshine. The weather isn't looking all that fabulous, but the 60's will do right about now.

I've started doing hot yoga on a regular basis. There's a beautiful studio right by me and the classes are great. I cannot explain how good it feels to be in that 105 heat, sweating out all of frustrations and wrongs and just letting myself sink into it. Yoga has been a bit of a life saver. I also did quite a bit of running over the past couple weeks but my legs are aching so the yoga is an excellent supplement as I try to give them a bit of a rest.

I'm still seeing Kevin. There was a night where we saved a cat that we didn't really save, we danced in his living room for a good hour and we laughed unbelievably long. On Halloween we handed out candy. Well, I guess I handed out the candy and then we laughed and laughed and laughed. I spent the night. He said he got back off the dating web site. He said we could date each other exclusively and see where it goes. What the fuck? Can we really go back to the beginning? He no longer calls me darling or looks at me lovingly. He hasn't told me that he loves me and wants me. So what the hell am I doing, you ask? It's never going to work if he is not committed and if he does not love me. If we don't have that, all the laughter in the world is not going to make us a happy couple. I don't have a clue what I am doing except trying to convince myself that he does love me and is just struggling to express it.I'm convincing myself that his issues can be overcome by my love and our connection. But if that were true, he would have never let me walk out the door. I'm fucking doomed to heartache in this situation. It's a choice I've made. Sometimes we do bullshit things when we chose to ignore our brains. I'm doing that and I've reconciled myself to it for the time being. What can I say... I want to dance with him again.

November is cold. I am feeling anxious to get the fuck out. It's almost 4 months exactly until the license test in Hawaii. That seems really far away and way too close.

Vegas, here I come. Maybe while I'm there things will become a hell of a lot clearer and I will meet someone who will change the course of my career or personal life or my entire life. Wouldn't that be spectacular?

I need some new music. This old stuff is just not fucking doing it.