brunch

I am a complete idiot. I had a brunch date scheduled with a seemingly very cool, smart and interesting man. I cancelled. I awoke in Kevin's bed and thought that it was somehow unfair to everyone if I went on this date. I sent my would-be date a message, closing the door to any possibility of a future date. The second I hit send, I felt an overwhelming desire to push un-send, go back 2 minutes, change the course of my actions.

I wanted to go on that date but I was afraid of the complications that could come from it. I was afraid of hurting Kevin. I was afraid of liking this other guy and feeling torn. Those were all very real and possible fears, but so what. Kevin is still unwilling/incapable of telling me that he loves me. If he cannot do that now, I am a fool to believe that he will ever be able to do that. It's fine if I am seeing him during this time to pass the time and enjoy myself, but I am an utter fool to shut myself off from life's other possibilities. I keep making excuses for Kevin, but the truth is that he is incapable of grasping what love is. He is incapable of taking life by the balls. He is incapable of loving me the way that I want and deserve. I am easily and stupidly manipulated by men like him and I am so very tired of allowing myself to stay when I should run.

So, here I sit. We had a great time this weekend, and yet I'm feeling depressed and lonely. I am alone in my bed. He is alone in his bed. I am living in bags once again. This is not where I should be putting my heart. I should have enjoyed coffee and brunch. For some reason, this feels like an enormous mistake -- the type that will hang around my head for the rest of my years. Such a simple act, such a silly notion. I wish I could take this entire day back.