Vday

I haven’t seen Kevin since last Sunday and I sort of miss him, damn it. I sort of like that when I call him, he answers the phone with “Darling?” He says it in this sort of mischievous way that’s not really sappy but still is. It’s like last weekend when he was cooking and he asked me if he should rinse the pasta. I explained why he should and then he said, “whatever you say, darling.” He says it sort of snarky with just a hint of sweetness. I sort of dig that. And now I’m using the word “dig” just like he does. Argh. Whenever I’m self deprecating, he’ll say, “I sort of dig that about you.”

But you don’t want to hear all this sappy shit, do you?

Wait, one more. Just one, I promise. So you know how last weekend I told him that I couldn’t stand sleeping in a house filled with cigarette smoke? Well, I also told him that I hate how the smell seeps into my clothes and everything else. He didn’t say much about it but seemed cool and not too concerned. But then last night on the phone, out of nowhere he asks if I’m a witch (the second guy to ask me this, by the way). I joked a little with him, “maybe I am. Why do you want to know?” He proceeds to tell me that ever since our last conversation, he is completely aware of the smoke smell, in a way he never has been before. I’m thinking to myself that he’s crazy and just trying to be nice to me. But then again, I guess if no one ever said anything to him about it before, it may have just seemed normal. Awareness can do a lot. Mostly, I just think it’s sweet. Not only did he not get mad or annoyed with me for saying something, he felt some sort of empathy or something… and that is not normal, is it? Shouldn’t he be annoyed? Or is he just messing with me?

I know it’s wrong to not trust people in the way that I seemingly don’t trust people. Here I thought I was too naive and trusting. Instead, I’m realizing that I don’t trust anyone. I think there is a such thing as a healthy distrust but there’s also a point where it’s not healthy. I guess I just need to feel around for that line. Eventually I will find it.

So, Monday is Valentine’s Day. I don’t remember ever really celebrating it. I’m sure I did at some point, but not for years. So anyway, Kevin wants to hang out and have dinner. That sounds lovely. However, I just realized that I should probably have something little to give him. I don’t think it should be a card or anything… it needs to be unique in some way. It should be music related or book related or something. I want it to feel personal. Maybe I give him some of my favorite music, a Murakami book or 2, and something home baked – he likes sweets. Is that too much? Do I just make him a card with construction paper and buy a Walgreens box of chocolates? I want to do something that means something. I don’t really like these holidays when people do stuff just to do it. If you’re going to do it, do it right. This means I probably won’t do it. Oh no, that’s such a Brian thing. Forget that – I’m doing something. I’m just not sure what. Grrr.

My legs are aching badly this week. They feel swollen and angry. I have not been able to run at all really. My shoes are all torn up. My left foot is swollen and my right leg feels like it is about to rip with every stride. I cannot wait for the warmer weather of the weekend. I’m going to find a trail and I’m going to run outside and I’m going to be happy, damn it. I know, I need to go find some shoes. There’s just too much to do, to much to spend money on, and not enough time or money. I need new clothes for work. I have to dress up again. How will I do that? It will be fine, fine. That just means that I need to get back to my normal size and get out and buy some pants. My dress pants from 7 years ago aren’t going to cut it.

Because I have been a total pig and have not been running, I am fat. Ok, so I’m not fat but I’m feeling pretty fat. So, as of yesterday I’m on a little diet. It’s not really a diet as much as it is a small restriction. On this diet, I will not allow myself to eat any nut or nut butter or chocolate if I am not in the presence of other human beings. I think this, and this alone, should do wonders since that’s pretty much where I get all my calories these days – in nut binges. I am excited to start finding new things to eat in a binge. Kidding. I think this will get me more focused on eating meals again. I want to get back there. And with spring coming, I need to start training. I refuse to feel like total shit just running 6 miles or biking for an hour. This body needs a serious whooping.