Craziness ensues

I I got a new job! Yay. And so the hellishness of the past 4 years, getting beat down over and over again is about to end. I'm not sure if I can hack it, this starting over. I'm scared. It's going to be intense. I will be working a lot of hours. I will be managing shit loads of emails and social media. But this is travel. This is something I'm totally passionate about. Not that I have any problem with books, but this is quite different. I'm pretty excited, with just the right amount of skepticism. I know that it's not going to be loads and load of fun. It's a job, after all. But at least I will be getting paid a decent wage and I won't have to put up with bitches bossing me around. Good riddance motherf'rs. I gots me a little attitude these days.

I'm still dating Kevin. This weekend we hung out Saturday and Sunday. He made delicious manicotti and I helped. He put in 4 different types of peppers including habeneros. Smart man. Sunday we went to his favorite place and had spicy bloody mary's and amazing pancakes. I shouldn't have had the bloody mary. I was exhausted by the time we were through. They do not mess around at that joint.

Sunday night I accompanied him to a super bowl party. I met his friends. It was quiet. His best friends ended up not being able to show.  I pretty much just laid on the LoveSac by myself the entire time. For awhile I did have an enormous, beautiful and sweet Great Dane on my lap. I also had a nice pillow fight with a little boy whose name they never told me. But by the end of the night, I was exhausted. How Kevin managed 4 or 5 beers, after the bloody mary's and vodka red bull, is beyond me. No wonder he felt like utter shit yesterday. I mean seriously, the man probably weighs 5 pounds more than me.

One of his friends told me that when he was younger, they used to be able to see his heart in his chest because he was so skinny. Wow. Gross.

This same friend was a bit inappropriate and dorky but having known Kevin for 25 years, it seemed somewhat sweet that he knew so much about me and that he said, "I hope you guys last. You seem to have a real connection." I'm not sure where that came from. Maybe he is one of the ones with money down. I forget.

Speaking of money down, we had a Super Bowl bet. I said that the game would go past 9:00 and he said "no way." In fact, I do believe that when I easily won that bet I was able to call him out for having said "in the history of Super Bowls, not one has gone past 9:00." His friends seemed to enjoy me bringing that one up. He was a good loser. He paid up and congratulated me.

After we got back, I explained to him that sleeping in a smoke-filled house was just not doing it for me and that I should probably go home. He did not argue with me. Instead he talked about the chairs on the porch where we would hopefully be spending a lot of time once the weather warms up. Then he told me to get the fuck out. Sweet.

So, here's the problem... I don't think I'm ready for commitment. I still have these dreams and pictures in my head that have me freaking the fuck out about this whole exclusivity thing. I don't want to hurt Kevin and I don't want to lie to him. I'm not ready for seriousness. I'm not ready to love. I want it, but I don't trust myself or anyone else yet. Maybe I never will be.

School is about to get insane. We are nearing the point where the homework and tests start piling on. I'm absolutely loving it. I did chair massages at Mayo clinic on Friday and left feeling spirited and full of goodness. However, I still do NOT know my muscles well and I still don't know what a trigger point feels like. It's got me shaking a bit. I need to take some time to really concentrate on learning this stuff. I feel like Kevin does not really understand why I need to spend so much time studying and going to classes. There's another concern with him. Anyway, I need to focus on my school work while I have some free time... before I start this new job and it will be a struggle just to get through each day and get my stuff turned in. Yep, life is about to get even more insane.

Bring it all on. 6.5 more months and this will all be done. 6.5 months and I can start the exodus.