I hate luv

Why is it that I feel like such shit? Why do I let some super stupid made-up holiday that I've never celebrated remind me of what I have lost or what I will never have? I am missing him & I hate it. He never really loved me all that much or all that well, I suppose, or the years wouldn't have left me so very lonely and so very sad. I feel scarred and worn. This weekend was very good and yet, exhausting, It left me feeling slightly sick about myself and the things that I do. Who am I? What do I want? What do I deserve? I just want this to be over sometimes... sometimes the nightmare, the heaviness, it's catches up to me. And then I end up sitting here at my desk listening to these songs that I love and feeling absolutely convinced that I need to run as far as I can as fast as I can from everything and everyone.