the storm

I ran again this morning. The ground is thawing. The streets are still slick but the dodging of dirty snow clumps has become a minor part of the process. My legs feel better. My breathing was controlled. I was listening to Blac Roc, the Black Keys backing up rap, thanks to one of my coolest classmates. It was dark and quiet and warm. I smiled as I slowly pounded up hill after hill, feeling the tightening of my thighs and my calves and my abdomen. Spring is coming. Life is changing. 

Life appears to be progressing. I feel like I can see picnics and campfires and sunny days ahead. Can it really be good? I find it difficult to trust in it. I work for it, but I do not know if I really believe in the possibilities I am working towards. 

A co-worker, well former as of tomorrow, told me today that I remind her of some book called "Jesus on a Bike" or something like that. This main character changed her life by a clear process of defining her dreams and pursuing them. And although in the end her life didn't look as grandiose as it had in her dreams, it was exactly what she wanted and needed. Cheesy, yes. But hell,  maybe this is me. I have a purpose and I know what that purpose is. It feels empowering and yet I'm scared. I afraid of giving up.  

I know that I want this simple life that revolves around the pleasures of love, friendship, food, nature, and music. I know that when I am running my hands through some one's hair or down their arm, I am at peace. I know that when I am smelling the ocean and eating fresh fruit, and laughing, I am beyond happy. I know that I want this sort of love and peace and balance in my life. There is no point in striving for some power position. There is no point in trying to hoard friends or belongings. That is not me. I am aware of it, so keenly aware, that it would probably destroy me if I turn my back on this reality now. Sure, I would enjoy having a family, but I don't think I can sacrifice these other things for that. It seems that I should be able to find a way to do both in some way. And although I have no idea if that is possible and I have no idea how to accomplish it, I do know that I am doing what I can to make a life that is worth living. I've taken steps that many people never take. 

I've made it out of 4 years that almost destroyed me. It hasn't really hit me yet. It's just starting to. This part of my life -- this horribly destructive job and my youth and my marriage, they are all over. I've made it out of the storm.

"And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."  -- Haruki Murakami