the fear of greatness

I started crying (a good cry) over what seems to be a real sense of happiness. It's really hard to believe in the good things that are happening in my life. I keep bracing myself for disaster. I'm prepared to hate my job, to struggle with school, and to have my heart broken right as I begin to trust again. In fact, if some combo of these things does not happen, I will be utterly confused by the universe. Sure, I deserve good things and I'm working hard, but I understand reality. My reality is not one of simplicity. I think that comes with the territory of being me and I've accepted it.

Work is good so far. It is far from perfect. People argue. The work is not very well defined. I have far too many meetings. But it's good. The people are nice and friendly and honest. They may argue but it's full of respect. My bosses are two of the keenest managers I have ever seen. Or at least that's how it seems right now. I keep pinching myself.

The harsher reality is that I may be sort of  falling for someone. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him. The last 2 weekends have been so easy... so easy. And by easy, I mean good. I mean really fucking fun and good. He is not at all what I expected to want. He is everything I've wanted in a surprising package. I'm having a really fucking difficult time coping with it all -- his honesty, his willingness to bend and listen to me,  and just be. I'm having a hard time believing that he will banter and kiss and dance with me and be responsible. He danced with me, damn it. In the middle of his floor to good old timey music, he danced with me.

I'm pretty sure it won't last. I've been resisting up until this weekend. This weekend I put myself out there a bit too much. I know his reputation and I'm pretty sure I cannot come close to meeting his expectations. He has grandiose ideas about love. These are ideas that I want to believe in but feel are unrealistic and overly romantic. Then again, I had some pretty grandiose ideas about things like family and money which appear to be fading. Yet, still I'm feeling the fear. I think he must be too. It's a good kind of fear, though. Wow, it's pretty fucking unbelievable to be in a place where you have nothing left to lose and only good things to gain.