frozen

I'm sitting at Starbucks. I've been here for 5 hours and I don't feel any more ready for my finals. I don't know how to study muscle insertions and movements and identification. It's a lot for any time. But when you are freezing to death and feeling like the world is your nemesis, it's even more difficult. Nothing bad has happened really. I went out on Thursday and laughed and got kissed. I went out on Friday and saw hilarious ads and ran into B's employee whom I adore. I had no idea what to do so I barely talked. Damn me. She just got engaged and I've been wanting to give her a hug and congratulate her, but instead I blanked and was an ass. After that I made the stupid mistake of going into my date's house. We talked and had beer until he took the glass out of my hands and started kissing me. Every single kiss was a bite. Don't get me wrong, some biting is nice, but every single one? And honestly, I did NOT want to be making out with him. Not into him. He's too uptight and tries so hard and just is NOT right for me. No one feels comfortable. No chemistry. No butterflies. No joy. And I'm horribly sad. I don't want to love the people I love. I don't want to not love anyone else. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm slipping into apathy. I don't really cry. I don't really feel much. I mean, I do. I feel horrifically sad and lonely and frustrated and pissed and desirous, but I don't feel anything for these people that I've dated. I like them. In fact, the recovering alcoholic that I'm dating is super sweet and super likeable. But he's not what I want or need. I sort of think I  deserve someone motivated and witty and fun and into me. And maybe that's too much to ask, but I refuse to end up in a relationship worse than what I could have with Brian. He could offer me a lot even though he's fucked up a bit. He can offer me the sort of companionship I need... but that's not even enough. So if that's not enough, I can't settle for less. Know what I'm saying. Now I'm rambling, procrastinating, trying to figure out how I'm going to manage. There's so much more to write but I shouldn't. I just want to say that this winter is killing me. It's so fucking cold and all I want is to cook and drink wine and lay in someone's arms. Stupid fucking Techno dude. I know I barely dated him, but he left me with such high expectations. Thank god I enjoyed those moments taking them in... I guess maybe I knew it was fleeting. But that sucks. I'm not over it. Fucker. My feet are frozen. I should go. I'm making chili and I have to get this studying down. Grrr. Frozen.