Punched.

I just had a punching feeling in the gut imagining the pain and fear and depression that Brian must feel every day. It makes me feel so horrible. I don't want him to feel that way. It kills me. Maybe you don't get it. Heck, I'm not sure that I do either. But it is so difficult to not want to go to him and hold him and make it all better. Sometimes I think it would make me better even though the thought of it sickens me. I want my new life. But my heart is aching for him. My heart is aching for me. What about me? When is it going to be my turn to not hurt -- to not be tossed and turned, god damn it. I just want to be free of this empathy and this sadness in my gut.