To the ocean

Sadness permeates. Heartbreak, loneliness, devastation. How much more can I handle in my life?  I feel numb. Exhaustion takes over. Right now I am at my desk and the pain in my chest is so deep I can barely breath. I guess that's the opposite of numb. I guess I am feeling far too much. Not only am I losing my friend and lover, I am losing this whole new life that I've invested my heart and soul in. I am going to follow my dream to Hawaii. That is exciting and frightening and I believe in myself but sometimes I don't. There is so much to do and I am frozen at this moment. Frozen. Lost. Sad. Tired... so very tired. It's an up and down battle between my heart and my mind and what I know and what I believe and what I wish to believe. I'm heading to the ocean to sit in the sunlight and close my eyes and try to forgive this world, to try to forgive myself.

I'm alive

You might have begun to worry that I had been eaten up by monsters or disappeared into some padded room or dark well somewhere, but alas I am alive and well in the buzzing Minneapolis metropolis. I am working hard creating a multitude of spam messages and arguing for the importance of social integration and the like. I am massaging very little but intend to get back at it shortly.

I had a successful surgery back in December and my foot is healing quite nicely, although it often tingles in strange fashion and I find it difficult to run more than a few days a week. I take time to ice and massage when I think to take the time, which is not often enough. I ran for the first time 4 weeks after my surgery which is quite special, I'm told. But now, I am still slow and not running often. Instead, about 8 weeks ago I decided to buck up and get this body whipped back into some sort of sculpted shape. Eggs were my best friends for a few weeks. Poached, scrambled -- with peppers, with truffle oil, with blueberries and cinnamon. Now I'm sort of back to my apples and dried fruits as mainstay, coupled with plenty of delicious lamb, chicken and sweet potato concoctions (my fave is baked with onions and speck in a multitude of spices....mmm, speck). The gym is my other best friend. Squats, deadlifts, barbell presses, cable rows, and on and on. It started with heavy lifting and I have now gotten to high rep cycles. I hate high reps. I like the results.

A few weeks back I discovered hot spin class. It is a beautiful addition to my routine. I've been doing hot yoga for some time now and I adore it as well. It's difficult to find the time to fit in all of these things.

I am back living with my boyfriend. I know that you are shaking your head and tisking me. But I adore him. He makes me laugh. He makes me giddy. He makes me soar. Of course there is a deep down guttural fear and paranoia, but after all I've been through, it hardly matters. I am still inclined to just keep living, giving and taking and not dwelling on what may or may not be. I'm just hopeful that this passion and joy will remain for both of us. We are enjoying each day more than I thought was possible.

On February 29 we went to Hawaii to explore Honolulu for a few days. It is most likely where we will be living in September. Of course, all of that is dependent on whether or not I passed my licensing exam. I hope I did but it had been some time since I had to know my anatomy. Does a sprain happen to a ligament or muscle? If I failed, it will not be the end of the world. I can always head back and retake it. But I am so very hopeful. It has been an arduous road and to think that it comes to this... it feels like it is going to happen. I am willing it, working it so. So yes, we spend a few days on Waikiki beach. We drove to the North Shore. We ate amazing breakfasts and drank strong Mai Tais. We sat on our balcony listening to music and watching the sunset. After those amazing days, we hopped a plane because I deeply wanted some quiet and to show him Maui.

In Maui things got a bit crazy. Amazingly, I haven't even told these stories yet. Our first night we stayed in overly-Hawaiianized hotel. I won't complain. The beach in front was gorgeous and we enjoyed ourselves. We took a cab to Lahaina and hit up a bar with the most outrageously bad singer and almost as bad of mai tai's. From there, using our handy Around Me apps, Kev found the "local" bar. We walked a mile or so into an industrial area and entered a tiny little dump. The drinks were cheaper and delicious. The clientele... not too exciting. For a Saturday evening there was not much going on. So that was that. The next morning we got up early and headed to the volcano. Unfortunately, the place with the best breakfast sandwich I've ever had has gone to shit. Worse than that, the rain and clouds were so thick that when we got to the top, you could not see a thing. I had to explain to him what it was supposed to look like. 2 hours wasted.

The last nights we had booked a cute little apartment on the north shore of Maui. We arrived and it was even better than in the pictures. It was fairly private with a great patio looking out over the ocean. The land was green and lush. The apartment itself was good sized and fully equipped with a nice soaking tub and a comfy bed. The thing is that we didn't get to stay in it that first evening. The owner messed up and double booked. She was very apologetic and kind but our alternative accommodations, that she set up for us, were nothing like what we had paid for. In the hills of Haiku we arrived at this lodge where a spacey guy named Danny showed us to our room. Our room was one of 4 in a house in the middle of the jungle. This was a hostel. It would be the perfect place to stay on a budget vacation. That's not what we had planned. The bed sucked. The bathroom was dingy. The grounds were pretty yet unkempt. We made the best of it. That night I had a giggle fit that caused my stomach and face to be tight for hours. Did I mention there was an animal sanctuary next door? Apparently they took care of rabbits and carrots (inside joke).

The remainder of our trip was good, despite insanely unusual rains and cool temperatures. We found the sun most days. We ate delicious fish tacos. I got to see his face light up when he saw his first whale. We laid lazily on the beach.

Our last day, we flew back to Oahu early and took a cab to our favorite beach bar. We wanted to lay in the sun but Mother Nature had other plans. We drank mai tai's and laughed and laughed and laughed. Neither of us remembers the plane ride home. It turns out if you want to sleep through an 8 hour flight, Tylenol PM and a few Mai Tai's are the way to go (thanks to my boss for the advice).

We are an excellent team. I never knew what a true partnership is like until now. We do things for each other. We have our own things as well. He has tennis. I have lifting. I have cooking. He has laundry. In the next few weeks, we are going to 5 shows. He is willing to head to the Cowles center with me. I actually enjoy going to the Knight Cap with him. We are planning dinner parties and fires. We are planning a full summer. We are planning to Hawaii together.

Everyone told me that good things were coming my way. They were very right. Life and all of its pleasures have found me and I've found them. It's got me deliriously giddy.

I'm sure you are bored to death of this talk of this relationship. He does not complete me or anything. Don't worry. If we split up, I believe I will carry on just fine. But I now believe in the kind of love that I thought was reserved for fairytales. It is out there and it makes everything taste just a bit sweeter. Unfortunately it also makes one lax at things that are artistic. I believe that art is definitely best when it comes from pain. And that is why you can't be angry if it takes me another 6 or 7 months to write.

Date

I ended up going on that date. It is a long story but I contacted him and he gave me another shot. I felt very lucky.

We went to the Wilde Roast Cafe on the first snow of the year. He hugged me hello. He smelled good. The booth was cozy, the lighting dim and the atmosphere quiet. We shared salads and wine and pizza and dessert. He asked me to sit on his side of the booth and he fed me chocolate cake while we watched horse drawn carriages go by the river. He told me that I talk too much. I laughed at that. I've grown, I guess. He told me his favorite place on Earth is Vegas and the he loves shopping for clothing. He noticed that my fingernails matched my ring which all matched my green dress. He kissed me. We went to Honey for further drinks and I told him I was going to try a special concoction from the bar and for some reason he changed the Vodka in it. It was a little odd. We couch danced a bit and he put his arm around me. He told me that I had beautiful eyes... that he liked the shape. He dropped me off at my car and we hugged and he kissed me again. He told me that he was going to write me a poem.

The next day he wrote me and asked me on a second date. I did not respond. I spent Sunday cuddling on the couch with Kevin. I went over early and made him breakfast. We watched football. We went on a walk in the snow all bundled up. He could barely move his head because of his silly, puffy hood attached to his coat... I called him a super hero. We watched Limitless and ordered Chinese. We went to sleep quietly and he kissed my shoulder. My heart ached with love. I almost told him that I loved him but I held back.

The next day I wrote the Doc back and told him we would not be going out again. It was the correct decision. He would not change my heart. He was not for me.

Winter has barely begun and I'm already freezing my ass of and dying for a long vacation. I know, I am moving to Hawaii shortly. The problem is that my boss told me yesterday that her goal is to have me running an entire email and social media department for all of our companies. She said we can do it. She said that we are going to make my dreams come true. Shit. Why do I have to love working for her so much? I am tempted to stay longer and save more money and get more experience in the travel business and volunteer around town doing massage and then move in September. But I can't do that because it seems like I am then giving up or changing my plans for Kevin. That's not what I would be doing, is it? But somehow it feels like it. I still want to move to Hawaii but I feel like I need more money and experience. Or is that just me justifying my fears and letting them change my plans? I don't think so, but then again, what do I really know about myself.

Life is complicated.

By the way, I am quite delightfully happy right now. These are pretty good dilemmas.

brunch

I am a complete idiot. I had a brunch date scheduled with a seemingly very cool, smart and interesting man. I cancelled. I awoke in Kevin's bed and thought that it was somehow unfair to everyone if I went on this date. I sent my would-be date a message, closing the door to any possibility of a future date. The second I hit send, I felt an overwhelming desire to push un-send, go back 2 minutes, change the course of my actions.

I wanted to go on that date but I was afraid of the complications that could come from it. I was afraid of hurting Kevin. I was afraid of liking this other guy and feeling torn. Those were all very real and possible fears, but so what. Kevin is still unwilling/incapable of telling me that he loves me. If he cannot do that now, I am a fool to believe that he will ever be able to do that. It's fine if I am seeing him during this time to pass the time and enjoy myself, but I am an utter fool to shut myself off from life's other possibilities. I keep making excuses for Kevin, but the truth is that he is incapable of grasping what love is. He is incapable of taking life by the balls. He is incapable of loving me the way that I want and deserve. I am easily and stupidly manipulated by men like him and I am so very tired of allowing myself to stay when I should run.

So, here I sit. We had a great time this weekend, and yet I'm feeling depressed and lonely. I am alone in my bed. He is alone in his bed. I am living in bags once again. This is not where I should be putting my heart. I should have enjoyed coffee and brunch. For some reason, this feels like an enormous mistake -- the type that will hang around my head for the rest of my years. Such a simple act, such a silly notion. I wish I could take this entire day back.