To the ocean

Sadness permeates. Heartbreak, loneliness, devastation. How much more can I handle in my life?  I feel numb. Exhaustion takes over. Right now I am at my desk and the pain in my chest is so deep I can barely breath. I guess that's the opposite of numb. I guess I am feeling far too much. Not only am I losing my friend and lover, I am losing this whole new life that I've invested my heart and soul in. I am going to follow my dream to Hawaii. That is exciting and frightening and I believe in myself but sometimes I don't. There is so much to do and I am frozen at this moment. Frozen. Lost. Sad. Tired... so very tired. It's an up and down battle between my heart and my mind and what I know and what I believe and what I wish to believe. I'm heading to the ocean to sit in the sunlight and close my eyes and try to forgive this world, to try to forgive myself.