Monday

It's cold and dark and I am cold and dark. I want to not be here right now. I want to find that guy and I want to cuddle with him and kiss him and breath him in. Which guy? I'm not picky. Well, maybe I am. There are a couple guys that I wouldn't mind spending a day like that with. I just want a little love, is that so wrong? And that is why I am an asshole. Judge me... go ahead. I deserve it. I need an artistic outlet. I need to cook or take photographs or sing. I keep realizing how important those types of things are in my life. I need to be with someone who appreciates them and can understand why I want to cry when I see something like the movie Dolls (most beautiful movie, visually, that I've ever seen) or this dance... ok, so the dance does way more than bring tears to my eyes. Can you say amazing? Ugh. Sigh. Dreary Mondays depress the hell out of me.

Fuck me

Fuck. I suck. This guy is sweet and kind and totally, totally a horrific match in every possible way. We have such different lives that it will never, never, ever work. But man, I like the way he looks and the way he kissed me. I like that he's got this tough ass exterior but he loves kids and his family and pretty much all people. But... let's be realisitic here. I can't be with a guy who doesn't drink, doesn't like coffee, and is afraid of flying on a plane. One of those and maybe, but all 3.... shit. But of course, I say I want honestly and I haven't been honest. I haven't told him this yet. Fuck me. I just think a night of cuddling and watching movies with him would be so awesome. It's awful, right? Yep. Must. cut. it. off.

I'm drinking wine right now. There you have it.

I ate thai food, pizza, and pie this weekend. FAT! Super fat! I ran 7  miles on Friday and 6 today... plus I cycled at the gym. But still, I feel fat. I want to lose these 10 pounds that I've had here for the last year.

It's been exactly a year since Brian said "get the fuck out." How fucking insane is that? Yes, I am going to keep using the word fuck over and over in this post. Get used to it. So yeah, 1 fucking year. It's flown by. It sucks shit. I'm getting fucking old. I'm dating guys who are almost 40. Fuck me. I am never going to have kids and settle down. But you know what, I have had some fun. I do like meeting interesting people. I mean, I've dated a guy who probably is a current alcoholic, a recovering alcoholic, a business owner, a guy who works at a call center, a computer programmer, a chubby guy, a skinny guy, a hot guy, a smart guy, a funny guy, an amazing fucking kisser, some really shitty kissers, guys who made me laugh, and guys who bewildered me with their assholeishness.

Fuck. I hate this.

4 hours

That's how many hours of sleep I got last night. 4 is actually stretching it. I was up until at least 2:15 super involved in a chat with a guy. Why do I do this, right? Crazy, stupid. He's a fully tatted recovering alcoholic who dresses like a hipster (can you say skinny jeans?) makes lots of jokes about bj's, says he's entirely un-PC and obnoxious, does not want a "lumpy" girl, is 39 and is in an unsuccessful punk band. He also has a job as a bill collector and is going to school to be an x-ray tech. Never married. Never flow on a plane. He says he believes in monogamy and is 1-woman type guy. Yeah, I've heard all this before. I've been through this shit. This doesn't sound like someone who could make me happy, that could fit into my life and vice-versa. And yet, I stayed up way past my bed time and agreed to meet  up with him tonight. What the heck is wrong with me? Why is it that I am so inclined to try anyone out if they are interested in me? Is it that I get a  sort of high from trying out something risky? Is it that I'm desperate? Hell if I know. I want to say that it's that I don't think it's right to rule anyone out because I really don't know what's right for me. But that seems like a cop out, even to me. Of course I know what I want, right? I need to stop listening to those people who call be judgmental. Judgement is based on experience and knowledge and only those who are idiots don't do it. Right.

I aced my anatomy test yesterday and then we drank wine in class. I giggled a lot. I was feeling pretty good. There's that. A good reason why I will be horrible match for a recovering alcoholic. I'm tempted in this moment to send the guy an email and call the whole thing off. Sigh.

This Saturday is pretty much the Anniversary of the last night of my marriage. I'm feeling some dread and want distractions. I bought tickets to go see some dance next week but I don't have anyone to go with. Loser.

I'm obsessed with The National, Jeremy Messersmith and Girl Talk. 

I just got an IM from the guy. It's the perfect opportunity to cancel, right? Am I going to? Probably not. And why not? Loser.

This makes me want to listen to some Beck. I am a loser, baby. I've only had 2 guys call me baby. Guys that call you that are NOT to be trusted at all. This guy hasn't called me that. Just sayin.

Thai food with him tonight Uptown. Stupid me. Stupid me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I've gotten behind on my running with all my quizzes this week. Sucks. Feeling fat. I need to do a 7-8 miler tonight. Need to. 

I have homework to do for tomorrow and tons of work today. Must focus. Must focus.

This date is going to be bad. I can tell. I'm either going to like him and it's going to be so wrong. Or he's going to scare the shit out of me. 

I need more sleep.

love

I'm in search of it in every moment of my life. I can finally admit how badly I desire intimacy and affection in my daily life. Without it, I feel a bit like a machine just accomplishing useless tasks that can be easily accomplished by something better. I want that super close, comfortable love where I can just sit on my partner's lap or grab his hand or hug him at any given moment. I want the quiet love where words are unnecessary. I want the loud love where passion about stupid things overflows just because we are together..  But how does one find that?

I was having a conversation with my friend last night and we were talking about our similar expectations and what we would be willing to put up with to meet those expectations. We would both put up with some serious shit for a passionate connection. Once you've had that sort of relationship it's pretty damn difficult to settle for something less. Who wants to just like the person they're with? Like is not nearly enough. It's just not. And it's amazing but I think you can know within about an hour if you've got it. And that first kiss, well that says everything. It's there or it is not. Seriously.

Maybe if I was smart, maybe I would just give in and go back to Brian. Maybe I would just forgive his faults and live with this hurt and struggle because in the long run that would be better than not having that sort of love. But I still hold hope, even though it seems ridiculous in my own head. It is ridiculous. And yet there it is. I have this big, open heart that is hopeful that I will find that sort of love. The last guy that I dated sort of gave me hope, right before promptly ripping it away. But so what -- he turned out to be a total asshole. That's ok. It doesn't mean they all are, right? There's probably someone out there where we will share that connection and it will be even better. It will be better than I've ever experienced.

I'm not sure that I really believe that in my heart, but what is the alternative? If I don't believe it, there really is nothing for me to live for. I live for love, as stupid as that sounds. That's all I really want. And so I pout and listen to music and date and wait and get discouraged and cry and get hopeful and sing. Work and school are really just fillers, honestly. That's just who I am these days. It's an entirely bizarre life.

I highly suggest the new Jeremy Messersmith album, The Reluctant Graveyard. It is a perfect fall to winter transition album. It makes me feel at home in my longing. This song in particular is just killing me this week: A Girl, A Boy, and a Graveyard.