Punched.

I just had a punching feeling in the gut imagining the pain and fear and depression that Brian must feel every day. It makes me feel so horrible. I don't want him to feel that way. It kills me. Maybe you don't get it. Heck, I'm not sure that I do either. But it is so difficult to not want to go to him and hold him and make it all better. Sometimes I think it would make me better even though the thought of it sickens me. I want my new life. But my heart is aching for him. My heart is aching for me. What about me? When is it going to be my turn to not hurt -- to not be tossed and turned, god damn it. I just want to be free of this empathy and this sadness in my gut.

frozen

I'm sitting at Starbucks. I've been here for 5 hours and I don't feel any more ready for my finals. I don't know how to study muscle insertions and movements and identification. It's a lot for any time. But when you are freezing to death and feeling like the world is your nemesis, it's even more difficult. Nothing bad has happened really. I went out on Thursday and laughed and got kissed. I went out on Friday and saw hilarious ads and ran into B's employee whom I adore. I had no idea what to do so I barely talked. Damn me. She just got engaged and I've been wanting to give her a hug and congratulate her, but instead I blanked and was an ass. After that I made the stupid mistake of going into my date's house. We talked and had beer until he took the glass out of my hands and started kissing me. Every single kiss was a bite. Don't get me wrong, some biting is nice, but every single one? And honestly, I did NOT want to be making out with him. Not into him. He's too uptight and tries so hard and just is NOT right for me. No one feels comfortable. No chemistry. No butterflies. No joy. And I'm horribly sad. I don't want to love the people I love. I don't want to not love anyone else. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm slipping into apathy. I don't really cry. I don't really feel much. I mean, I do. I feel horrifically sad and lonely and frustrated and pissed and desirous, but I don't feel anything for these people that I've dated. I like them. In fact, the recovering alcoholic that I'm dating is super sweet and super likeable. But he's not what I want or need. I sort of think I  deserve someone motivated and witty and fun and into me. And maybe that's too much to ask, but I refuse to end up in a relationship worse than what I could have with Brian. He could offer me a lot even though he's fucked up a bit. He can offer me the sort of companionship I need... but that's not even enough. So if that's not enough, I can't settle for less. Know what I'm saying. Now I'm rambling, procrastinating, trying to figure out how I'm going to manage. There's so much more to write but I shouldn't. I just want to say that this winter is killing me. It's so fucking cold and all I want is to cook and drink wine and lay in someone's arms. Stupid fucking Techno dude. I know I barely dated him, but he left me with such high expectations. Thank god I enjoyed those moments taking them in... I guess maybe I knew it was fleeting. But that sucks. I'm not over it. Fucker. My feet are frozen. I should go. I'm making chili and I have to get this studying down. Grrr. Frozen.

tramp

FYI. I'm a dating tramp, whore, slut. Yep. It's official. I date a lot and I let just about anyone kiss me. Why the heck not? I like most people. I like kissing. Why not go out with them and kiss them even though there is no future? Yep. That's me: easy, easy, easy. What else is there to say about it? Wait, don't think I'm going around sleeping with all these guys. That, I am NOT doing. But I'm a little nervous that if I was presented with that opportunity, I might just do it because it's better than the alternative, right? Or maybe not. No, it's not. But seriously, I should probably be better at turning down people that are not right for me. It's a waste of everyone's time and it is totally against everything I want out of someone else. I need to stop being a damn hypocrite and be honest. Why is it so difficult to reject people? The first couple people I rejected were simple. But NOW, now I can't seem to say no to anyone. I think maybe it's because I've seen how horrible some people are so even the remotest bit of niceness has got me feeling like I should give the guy a shot. Stupid. I cannot date someone who does not or cannot fly. I cannot date someone who does not drink at all. I cannot date someone who tells me all about their mental instability on a first date. I appreciate the honesty men, but I don't want to take care of you. And that's what I will do. I will try to make you better and convince you that there is not such thing as mental illness. You will resent me. Vice-versa. So yeah, no more of that. Right? Right.

Tonight I'm going out with a perfectly smart, sane and interesting guy. We are going out and doing cool things that I've been wanting to do. We're going to the Walker, were going for a nice dinner, and we're going to see Bluegrass. Now that is a good date with a good guy. Now let's just hope I can get past my feeling like he's too good and proper for  me. Such weird hang ups I have.

I have 3 finals next week so it's going to be a crazy couple of days. I'm tired already. And I am fat. Grrr. I wish I could get to the gym but I don't know that there is time. I need to ditch work. Yes, that sounds like a plan. I could really use something pretty to wear too. There are never enough hours in the damn day. I cannot wait until December 18 and the end of school for a bit. Did I mention I may be heading to Costa Rica? I know! Ok, back to work. Back to work.

Reciting mantra: I will not be a dating whore. I will not be a dating whore.

boo on me

I know. I never write anymore. Suck. Busy, busy, busy. I'm bloated as hell from Thanksgiving. Still. Let's just say things got out of control. Today I'm eating all raw foods and I did hot yoga this morning. Now I'm going to go ak to the gym before a chair massage event this evening for class. I have 3 dates Thurs-Sat with 3 differnt guys, plus a new writing friend who is located in Manitoba of all places. I like him, which is probably why it's goodthat we don't live anywhere near each other that will allow us to meet and not like each other. I need to catach you up. I know it. But I have to leave now. This schedule is got me going crazy. For the record, I only have about 2 more weeks of this trimester left and then a break. Costa Rica? Peru? Galapagos? Nicaragua? Cuba? Where should I go? I need to book sooner rather than later. Kaui? Damn. Off to class. I promise you, I promise me, I will write more tonight. Or tomorrow morning. Very soon. I need it.