flexors, extensors, and vasiculi

Studying for anatomy is pretty much complete. I spent the evening at Caribou helping my classmate. Ha! As if I am the knowledgeable one. Although, I believe it may have helped me to explain things to her and quiz her like I did. Plus, she's lovely a lovely 21 and I was able to dish out plenty of boy advice. Of course, she was not listening, but it was sort of fun for me to pretend as if my experience has equipped me. But back to anatomy. I now know my extensors of the wrist and humerus from my flexors, my antagonists from my agonists and synergists. I know what pennate fasciculi are and I am quite clear that skeletal muscle functions for posture, movement, and temperature. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I can now locate the coccyx, the manubrium, the illium, ischium, biceps brachii, biceps femoris, radial nerve, and the ulnar head (look at the notch on your lateral wrist... this means the side that your pinky is on). Man, I'm feeling good. It all just sort of came together. Sure, I'm still a bit wishy-washy on my adductors and which of the bones have malleous and which have condyles and epicondyles. I'm not quite sure that I can tell you if it's the the thick fibers that have actin or the thin (I think the thick). Overall, though, I feel ready for this big old test. Bring it on. I may even get a god damn B in the class. Praise Jesus or Buddah or some great thing... you get the picture. Ok, I suppose I should get to bed now. Just for future reference, I think it was the peanut butter and the singing of bones that took place about 20 minutes ago that finally put me over the edge and into a feeling of euphoria. Let's just hope I can maintain it for a good 24 hours. I am in no mood for a mood swing.

smoke, smoke, smoke

I want a god damn smoke. It's been 2 weeks and I want one with every single part of my mind and body. I want to inhale it in and feel it take me over and make me feel perfect and shitty all at once. Love that. It's better than cookies. It's better than alcohol. It's better than anything I've ever known. And that is a total lie. It's not really that perfect. I just want it to be. I want to have one and to have it make me feel way better. Wy can't I ever get what I want? Temper tantrum time.

homesick

So very sad today. Teary. And here we go again. I keep trying to distract myself and it's no good. I have no weekend plans. I have no plans for my vacation. I just want someone to run away with.... someone to laugh with... someone to join me on the road, on a lake, or in eating s'mores. I just want to feel some sort of connection to 1 human being. Any human being. Anyone.

I may move back to my house for a bit. B is moving in with G when the baby comes. I just found out via email. That presents an opportunity for me to spend time with my cats, to grill food, to say goodbye to my home. Or maybe it just presents an opportunity for me to get swallowed up in this loss. It's difficult to say but I want it. I want to be there for right now. I want to hop on my bike from that house. I want to sit out on the deck. I want to have a fire in the fireplace and bury myself in. So now I am listening to Homesick by Kings of Convenience after the last 15 minutes of My Morning Jacket, The Bear and Golden. These songs only serve to plunge me in further, which is probably why I am drawn to them. So very beautiful. So very sad. They come close to matching the deep pressure in my back the heaviness of my eyelids. I just received B's response. He has no right to call me wonderful. Ah, shit. Tears. Fuck me.

blobbity boys blah, blah blahhh

Since finding out that I will pass anatomy, I sort of became a lazy bum. I studied for a bit, but not nearly what I should. It's kind of like I've got my life back and I'm going to embrace it for a bit. Although, I don't really have my life back. I got some good things in but I also got some sadness. The humidity tends to make me feel strange -- this odd feeling of longing takes over. It reminds me of my dreams. It reminds me of the ocean and babies and lemonade and fish and sex and babies. Weird, ha. I know. I can't explain it.

I just got home from dinner at Broders. I have not been there in at least a year. The last time was with Brian. God, I love that place. God, I loved it with him. God, I hate him.

Before dinner I hung out at the Bean Factory and saw the other woman's ex play a couple sets. That was fun and awkward. His friends were there and one of them knew her quite well. I had heard several horrible things about her. Shockingly, she was very sweet and beautiful and totally into her husband and 2 weeks from giving birth. I guess these things weren't at all shocking. They just proved the craziness of the other woman once again.

Have I written since my date? No, I haven't. It was a decent date. The guy was nice. I laughed a lot. I talked a lot. We had a parking lot make-out session. He invited me to his place. I turned him down. Hey, I am in no hurry to be murdered. Plus, as much as I want sex, I didn't want it that much. I don't think most men can quite follow that line of thought. In fact, there's even part of me that is pissed of that I am this way. Why can't I get over this idea that I should be totally into the guy and the moment before I do it? Or why can't I just get way into it without really knowing the guy? It fucking sucks to be so stuck in your head and so self conscious and so unsure of what you are really looking for. But at least this guy was nice about it. And we have a ton in common, including our marriage situations. I think we might try another date. That would be nice, I think. It's good to have a little fun even if there is really no chance of a future. These are things that I am learning.

Here's the strange thing, I sort of had a brief conversation with a guy at Trader Joe's today. It was nothing at all, really. I was on my way home from dinner and I stopped for apples and possibly some meat. I was looking at the deli meat and he was stocking. He way like, "hey, can I help you find something." And I was like, "nah, just browsin'." And I looked at him and he was sort of my type. He had lots of facial hair and big old earrings and he was a tad stalky but not at all overweight. He was sort of cute. But it was more about how he talked to me. He made another funny comment when I was looking at some pastrami that was in a turkey spot. He said something about how their success comes from putting random meat in random places. Cute. I would so have gone out with him if he would have asked.

That makes me think of this other guy. He works at the Lund's liquor store by my house. I recognize him from high school but I think he's a year or 2 older. Anyway, I used to always see him there when I went to buy wine. He's sort of good looking and seems really nice. I've never checked his finger to see if he's married. But I actually find myself dressing up sort of nice and going to that store when I want wine hoping I may run into him. I haven't seen him  in ages but my friends have. I would so go out with him too. It's awful that there are these people in the world and because I'm so damn shy, I will most likely end up with someone from a dating site that doesn't instantly capture my attention. It's a fucking crazy world.

Ok, I must stop being boy crazy and procrastinating -- I should study. Or maybe I will just watch a movie. I'm totally back into watching movies. I saw Inglorious Basterds last night and it was AWESOME. Does it have to be Sunday night? Do I have to be alone? Bullocks, I say, bullocks (not sure where this is coming from).