Tiny miracles

Life sure can be harsh and blunt. And then little, strange and life altering miracles will happen. Today, I had one of those miracles, a small magical moment, happen to me.

My mind has been in a horrible state, fluctuating between the pain of losing someone I love and the knowledge that I should have never loved him. I am well aware of the destructive nature of our relationship and yet letting go of him and this idea that we were perfect for one another is impossibly difficult. Had he not been an alcoholic, had he not been incapable of opening up, had he not been looking for a savior, we would have had the most amazing love that one can imagine. We had all the same passions. We would both revel in music and the way the sunlight hit the trees or the mountains. We both believed in love and living in the peace of the ocean. He became my best friend and he told me that I was one of his. We loved. We laughed. We held each other in the dark of the night. But it was never to be. He was never ready to love or be loved. It was not me. It was not me. No matter my past, no matter my hurt, I can and will open myself and my heart fully to anyone who makes me laugh and makes me feel loved, for even the briefest  moment. That may be an enormous flaw of mine but I don't really want to change. I really don't want to stop giving everything that I am and loving from the depths of my being. That makes me feel happy, no matter how much it is rips my heart out. Eventually that naivety of mine, that risk, gives back in the most amazing ways.

And so here I sit, hurt and questioning and feeling lost. But today I experienced a few things that keep me from wanting to wander into the abyss. Today I have hope in the world. I believe in some spiritual thing that I've never believed in. Or maybe it's not that I didn't believe it. Maybe it's just that I merely felt like an idiot to express it. I don't think I would have fell immediately in love with massage if it had not been for some sort of belief in the healing power of touch and human connection.

I massaged this young woman with a beautifully freckled face and a lovely glow. She had a problem with a lumbar disc but felt most of her pain in her mid-upper back. I could tell by the way she described her pain, that she wanted some sort of comfort more than she needed physical rehabilitation. Maybe it's not true of everyone, but I find that you can get a sense of this quite easily. I massaged her back for a long time. She wanted her arms massaged as well and I did that. I tried to stay focused on helping her, but I must admit that I was slightly lost in my own sadness and loss. I was not thinking about particulars but I was feeling hurt to the core, just wondering what it is that I did wrong, wondering why my love was not enough, wondering if I will ever experience love and affection again.

To finish off the massage, I decided to give her something soothing. I don't really know if it was for her or for me. I had her lay on her back and I massaged her neck and scalp, finishing by holding her head lightly and stroking her hair. When I stood up and gently said that we were done, she opened her eyes slowly and began to sob. Her face just scrunched up and the tears came. This is the first time I've experience this. I touched her arm and said, "it's ok, honey. It's ok, You have to take care of yourself." She looked at me so kindly and said, "so do you." I'm sure my face showed the utter emotion that ran through my body. It was as if she could see into my soul. I wondered if I had sent her my sadness. I wondered if it was mere coincidence. I felt utterly baffled and touched and moved in a way that is inexplicable.

I don't want to analyze that moment too much. All I know is that it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Since I've been working at this clinic, every single weekend I am moved in a way I never knew possible. But today it was personal and it was something that I think I needed. That human connection of touch is so profound. I am so lucky to have found this work at this time in my life. I am so lucky to have met that girl today. I am so very lucky. Being able to care for people in this way is personally healing and the  most spiritual and rewarding thing I've done in my life. I don't know that I would have made it through the day without that lovely, red-headed girl.