February

I am planning my move. I am really planning. It cannot come quick enough.

Some days I am happy and strong. This morning I sang in the car and I felt good. Right now, not so much. I hate the swinging of emotions. I am a grown woman. You would think I would be faster to recover. Well, ok, I deserve some credit. It has only been about 2 weeks and my world was sort of turned upside down yet again. The sad truth is that what bothers me the most is that there could be such a fast (4 weeks is fast in my opinion) shift in how he felt about me. It bothers me that I can't get inside his head and know how he's feeling or thinking. Does he sort of regret it? Is he jealous at all, seeing me back on the dating web site? Did he post the picture I took of him to get under my skin? Does he wish he could have me back for a moment or is he just excited to continue his quest for the perfect, passionate love. None of this matters, I suppose. I have this odd desire to proposition him. I'd like to ask him to hang with me for the next few months... no attachment. I won't stay at his place ever. I won't even expect there to be sex or anything. Let's just be friends and go to shows and have dinner. I just need a friend in my remaining time. Ridiculous and unrealistic, right? I would just end up dragging out the hurt more, right? I really would like to play him some Elliott Smith and see him in his blue hat... I'd like to wear the orange one and have him tell me that he wants to give it to me because it looks perfect there on my head. It's stupid to think these thoughts.

I am moving tonight. I am moving to Uptown. I have mixed feelings. It feels sort of lonely and cold all of a sudden, to leave the 2 people who have been keeping me occupied... the 2 people who feel like my family. But I'm out the door right now and I'm going to pack up my shit and try to start a new life yet again.