Vday

I haven’t seen Kevin since last Sunday and I sort of miss him, damn it. I sort of like that when I call him, he answers the phone with “Darling?” He says it in this sort of mischievous way that’s not really sappy but still is. It’s like last weekend when he was cooking and he asked me if he should rinse the pasta. I explained why he should and then he said, “whatever you say, darling.” He says it sort of snarky with just a hint of sweetness. I sort of dig that. And now I’m using the word “dig” just like he does. Argh. Whenever I’m self deprecating, he’ll say, “I sort of dig that about you.”

But you don’t want to hear all this sappy shit, do you?

Wait, one more. Just one, I promise. So you know how last weekend I told him that I couldn’t stand sleeping in a house filled with cigarette smoke? Well, I also told him that I hate how the smell seeps into my clothes and everything else. He didn’t say much about it but seemed cool and not too concerned. But then last night on the phone, out of nowhere he asks if I’m a witch (the second guy to ask me this, by the way). I joked a little with him, “maybe I am. Why do you want to know?” He proceeds to tell me that ever since our last conversation, he is completely aware of the smoke smell, in a way he never has been before. I’m thinking to myself that he’s crazy and just trying to be nice to me. But then again, I guess if no one ever said anything to him about it before, it may have just seemed normal. Awareness can do a lot. Mostly, I just think it’s sweet. Not only did he not get mad or annoyed with me for saying something, he felt some sort of empathy or something… and that is not normal, is it? Shouldn’t he be annoyed? Or is he just messing with me?

I know it’s wrong to not trust people in the way that I seemingly don’t trust people. Here I thought I was too naive and trusting. Instead, I’m realizing that I don’t trust anyone. I think there is a such thing as a healthy distrust but there’s also a point where it’s not healthy. I guess I just need to feel around for that line. Eventually I will find it.

So, Monday is Valentine’s Day. I don’t remember ever really celebrating it. I’m sure I did at some point, but not for years. So anyway, Kevin wants to hang out and have dinner. That sounds lovely. However, I just realized that I should probably have something little to give him. I don’t think it should be a card or anything… it needs to be unique in some way. It should be music related or book related or something. I want it to feel personal. Maybe I give him some of my favorite music, a Murakami book or 2, and something home baked – he likes sweets. Is that too much? Do I just make him a card with construction paper and buy a Walgreens box of chocolates? I want to do something that means something. I don’t really like these holidays when people do stuff just to do it. If you’re going to do it, do it right. This means I probably won’t do it. Oh no, that’s such a Brian thing. Forget that – I’m doing something. I’m just not sure what. Grrr.

My legs are aching badly this week. They feel swollen and angry. I have not been able to run at all really. My shoes are all torn up. My left foot is swollen and my right leg feels like it is about to rip with every stride. I cannot wait for the warmer weather of the weekend. I’m going to find a trail and I’m going to run outside and I’m going to be happy, damn it. I know, I need to go find some shoes. There’s just too much to do, to much to spend money on, and not enough time or money. I need new clothes for work. I have to dress up again. How will I do that? It will be fine, fine. That just means that I need to get back to my normal size and get out and buy some pants. My dress pants from 7 years ago aren’t going to cut it.

Because I have been a total pig and have not been running, I am fat. Ok, so I’m not fat but I’m feeling pretty fat. So, as of yesterday I’m on a little diet. It’s not really a diet as much as it is a small restriction. On this diet, I will not allow myself to eat any nut or nut butter or chocolate if I am not in the presence of other human beings. I think this, and this alone, should do wonders since that’s pretty much where I get all my calories these days – in nut binges. I am excited to start finding new things to eat in a binge. Kidding. I think this will get me more focused on eating meals again. I want to get back there. And with spring coming, I need to start training. I refuse to feel like total shit just running 6 miles or biking for an hour. This body needs a serious whooping. 

Craziness ensues

I I got a new job! Yay. And so the hellishness of the past 4 years, getting beat down over and over again is about to end. I'm not sure if I can hack it, this starting over. I'm scared. It's going to be intense. I will be working a lot of hours. I will be managing shit loads of emails and social media. But this is travel. This is something I'm totally passionate about. Not that I have any problem with books, but this is quite different. I'm pretty excited, with just the right amount of skepticism. I know that it's not going to be loads and load of fun. It's a job, after all. But at least I will be getting paid a decent wage and I won't have to put up with bitches bossing me around. Good riddance motherf'rs. I gots me a little attitude these days.

I'm still dating Kevin. This weekend we hung out Saturday and Sunday. He made delicious manicotti and I helped. He put in 4 different types of peppers including habeneros. Smart man. Sunday we went to his favorite place and had spicy bloody mary's and amazing pancakes. I shouldn't have had the bloody mary. I was exhausted by the time we were through. They do not mess around at that joint.

Sunday night I accompanied him to a super bowl party. I met his friends. It was quiet. His best friends ended up not being able to show.  I pretty much just laid on the LoveSac by myself the entire time. For awhile I did have an enormous, beautiful and sweet Great Dane on my lap. I also had a nice pillow fight with a little boy whose name they never told me. But by the end of the night, I was exhausted. How Kevin managed 4 or 5 beers, after the bloody mary's and vodka red bull, is beyond me. No wonder he felt like utter shit yesterday. I mean seriously, the man probably weighs 5 pounds more than me.

One of his friends told me that when he was younger, they used to be able to see his heart in his chest because he was so skinny. Wow. Gross.

This same friend was a bit inappropriate and dorky but having known Kevin for 25 years, it seemed somewhat sweet that he knew so much about me and that he said, "I hope you guys last. You seem to have a real connection." I'm not sure where that came from. Maybe he is one of the ones with money down. I forget.

Speaking of money down, we had a Super Bowl bet. I said that the game would go past 9:00 and he said "no way." In fact, I do believe that when I easily won that bet I was able to call him out for having said "in the history of Super Bowls, not one has gone past 9:00." His friends seemed to enjoy me bringing that one up. He was a good loser. He paid up and congratulated me.

After we got back, I explained to him that sleeping in a smoke-filled house was just not doing it for me and that I should probably go home. He did not argue with me. Instead he talked about the chairs on the porch where we would hopefully be spending a lot of time once the weather warms up. Then he told me to get the fuck out. Sweet.

So, here's the problem... I don't think I'm ready for commitment. I still have these dreams and pictures in my head that have me freaking the fuck out about this whole exclusivity thing. I don't want to hurt Kevin and I don't want to lie to him. I'm not ready for seriousness. I'm not ready to love. I want it, but I don't trust myself or anyone else yet. Maybe I never will be.

School is about to get insane. We are nearing the point where the homework and tests start piling on. I'm absolutely loving it. I did chair massages at Mayo clinic on Friday and left feeling spirited and full of goodness. However, I still do NOT know my muscles well and I still don't know what a trigger point feels like. It's got me shaking a bit. I need to take some time to really concentrate on learning this stuff. I feel like Kevin does not really understand why I need to spend so much time studying and going to classes. There's another concern with him. Anyway, I need to focus on my school work while I have some free time... before I start this new job and it will be a struggle just to get through each day and get my stuff turned in. Yep, life is about to get even more insane.

Bring it all on. 6.5 more months and this will all be done. 6.5 months and I can start the exodus.

Massage

I need a business name for my massage. I went to my Facebook friends in hopes of some great ideas. Instead I got mostly silly suggestions and a heck of a lot of inappropriate ideas. So I sent a quick email to Brian because he's creative and I trust his opinion. Within an hour he came back with the best list EVER. I had come up without about 10 myself but each one of his blew mine out of the water. So now it's down to:


Kinetic Therapeutic, Sport and Rehabilitative Massage
Balance PointTherapeutic Massage
Active BodyTherapeutic, Sport and Rehabilitative Massage
Body in MotionMassage

I'm leaning towards the first two.


See why I miss him? He knew to make it about fitness and well-being because that's my intent and passion. Plus, he's smarter than fucking smart. I ache from head to toe.

Steady

I'm going to stick with the facts. Friday night Kevin and I went out for dinner. We walked from his place to this cute little Mexican place in Seward. I had a chipotle, pineapple margarita with an awesome kick. [That margarita was my idea, by the way. Sure it was on their menu, but I made that drink up this past summer. Cross my heart. But whatever. ] The waiter was a gorgeous, young Mexican guy (late 20's) with an awesome ear piercing, a glimmer in his eye, and an intoxicating smile. He suggested I order the fajitas and so I followed his advice. Kevin was getting the tamales and informed me I could not order the same thing as him. Who does he think I am? I would never order the same thing. Doing that would be an insane waste of tasting opportunities. Sheesh. The fajitas came sizzling and the veggies were fresh and the shrimp plump and delicious. The guac was filled with onions and cilantro and garlic. Perfection. 

Kev and I sat at the bar, giggling like little kids. We were celebrating my possible new job (more on this later). He put his hand on my leg. He does that often. And when my hand wouldn't warm, he put it on his leg and put his other hand over it. He told me that he's told his friends a lot about me, except for the fact that I kicked his ass at Gin. His ego is still bruised and fragile from the upset. So he told his friends all about me and there's a bet on how long we will last. Kevin doesn't keep the girls around very long, or so he's told me. So the bet is that we won't last another month. He seems determined to prove that he can stay with me for longer than that. There's a show on February 22 and he's already pestering me relentlessly to accompany him. He also told me that I am required to go to his best friend's wedding in May. I keep joking with him about how he will be annoyed with me by then and all he says is that he still hasn't found anything that he doesn't like about me. Awe, he's a skilled sweet talker. One quick thing, I just realized that I don't know if this bet means I have to stay with him too. Why is he so sure I will stay with him?

Back to dinner. So, he's finished eating and I'm holding a fajita, on the verge of chowing down. I'm not sure what we're talking about when he says: "this may not be the best time to ask this but I was wondering if you will you go steady with me?" Ha! Steady. Are you fucking kidding me? I giggled and joked with him a bit about feeling like I was 12. This was entirely unexpected. Sure, he told me that he fell for me and he started to seem like he was questioning my availability, but in no way did I see this coming. I did not say "yes" immediately but asked him what that would mean. He said it meant 3 things: 1. We will no lie to each other 2. We will not cheat on each other 3. We will tell each other things that we should probably know. In other words, we are now exclusive. I was caught up in the romance and sweetness and said, "sure, I can do that." We looked at each other like dorky, uncomfortable kids. Then I said I had to call my bff and tell her. He said, "don't you want to go call your Mom?" I'm not sure if he was kidding. There was more laughter.

Not long after, some people at the restaurant were bringing loads of balloons up to the top floor and Kevin said that he had bought them for me to celebrate. Funny, man. He was teasing me. It became another theme throughout the evening. 

We walked back to his place. He reminded me of the rules of this agreement of ours. He also reminded me that I would get the new job because 1. I am good and 2. I asked for nothing. Screw him for judging me like that. We sat on the couch listening to amazing music and sipping wine. I saw pictures of all of his friends and him when he was young... same hair, same eyes, same skinny body. He told me stories. I listened and smiled as I curled up on his leather couch. We kissed. He held my hand and played with my ring. I left by midnight so that I could get up early the next morning. He sent me off with a bunch of music which included Colin Hay, Jack Johnson, Gogol Bordello, Josh Rouse, the Thievery Corporation and more. I'm especially enamored with Pete Yorn.

Kevin spent the weekend in Duluth and I spent mine in class asking myself what the fuck I'm doing. 

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And so here I sit, at my desk, with this gnawing in my gut. I don't want to be sad and lonely and insecure any more. I want to believe that good things can happen in my life. I want to believe that it's ok to drift around without being sure. I want to let go of the fears and be comfortable in my skin and in the not knowing. I want to believe that I deserve some peace. But instead, I keep myself so busy that when it slows, the pressure is enormous and I can barely breath. And I eat peanut butter in an emotional rebellion. And I want to keep dating guy after guy after guy, laughing at the total lack of connection. It's a cycle that I cannot seem to break.

For a long time, I thought that I understood love. I thought I was deeply in it and that it was something I could have again. And now, I'm not so sure that I even believe that it exists in any form worth being hurt for. That sounds dark and wrong, but I'm losing ground on this hope thing. When life keeps pelting you with fucking shit and blood, there's a point where you're an idiot to keep trying to stand.