Transition

I am struggling. But I guess a transition is never easy. I can't find a job. I am done with my current one at the end of the week. Even when I do find one, I will need to find another as well.

At this moment all I want is to be on my porch thinking about what delicious thing I can make for dinner. I want to feel spent from a day of work and a good run. I want Kevin to come home from tennis and tell me how he kicked ass and then have him slap my ass. I want an enormous all encompassing hug and a kiss.

I want my life back. It was not a spectacular life, but I worked hard for it. But I sold everything. I risked everything to be here. This is my dream, right? I want a peaceful life near the ocean. I want a job that doesn't make me feel stressed. I want friends to bbq and camp with. But so far, I am not feeling like this is home. My roommate said she knew it was home immediately. I just feel like I am still waiting for my life to begin, wading in the waters, staring at the waves waiting for someone to rescue me from myself. I am eating too much and not running or really even working out except long walks. I feel uncomfortable in my skin and around these people who have good jobs and are established and don't know a thing about where I've come from.

I want to see the leaves turn pinks and reds and oranges. I want to smell the air changing. It's that smell of cool breezes and pumpkin. I want to put on my hoodie and complain about the impending winter while drinking red wine in front of the fire. I want to talk about where I am going to escape the snow. Minneapolis is home and I am afraid I won't ever ache for it.

But if I were there, I would be sad and lonely and cold. This breakup is so very devastating still. I knew it was coming and yet I cannot shake this man. t does not help that we talk and write every day and that at one point he did say that we need each other and that he loves and misses me. But at the same time, he has taken to calling me new names that aren't as loving. Does he want me or the idea of me? Or does he just want to use me to get here? Or is he just as confused and lonely as I am right now? It doesn't matter. I would be a fool to hope for him. I am the worst kind of fool.

I am so very confused about life. I am not entirely unhappy. I am living in paradise, trying to chase a dream with so much lovely support it makes me tear up. But I am weaker than I appear. I don't want to do this all on my own. I am not looking to be successful or self actualized or to change the world. I just want love and laughter and someone to hug me when things get tough. Of course, I want to accomplish other goals as well, but when it comes right down to it, that is at the center of it. And so I cry and I feel sad when I have too much time to think.

Time to go the beach to clear my head. I do love being in the ocean. It sets my soul at ease. I wonder how this will all turn out.Will I live a loser life or will I find something to give me more peace?