cabinets

I have a deep and gutteral longing for my kittens. I just want their fuzzy little faces against my cheek. I want to sit with them and watch football and eat peanut butter toast. I sent Brian an email to arrange a visitation, this after having sent him a text about how much his son looks like him, how cute he is, and not getting a response. He emailed me back quickly & said I can see Shiva and Audrey any time. In the email he warned of a messy house because of a big project & he included pictures of the kitchen. He has started installing the cabinets we bought about 3 months before we parted. The cabinets look beautiful and clean against the mossy green paint, which has always been my favorite. Oh, how I love wood against that color green. It's exactly as I imagined. I'm so fucking proud of him for doing it.Instant flow of tears.They've been building up over the last few days and today I cannot control myself.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and determined to drink himself to death. I'm thinking about leaving.

I have to have foot surgery sometime soon. I'm glad, really, because there's a large possiblity that I will regain some movement and be back to normal activities. I ran on a treadmill last night because its gotten to the point where I can't run on roads without suffering for days after. Hell, I can barely walk normal these days. I ache every day and every night. There's no way this surgery could rmake things any worse. But it's going to cost me. I don't have much money as it is and I hate to give a huge portion of it away like that. But that's life, right? It's just a whole bunch of shit intertwined with the good stuff. How could you appreciate the good without the shit.

Last night was the first time I've been to the gym in ages. It felt really fucking great. I felt motivated. I didn't like seeing myself in the mirror. I have lost a lot of my tone... way too many breakfasts and cookies and days without lifting. The 2 hours flew by and I felt rejuvenated. I think I'm going to go do some hot yoga tonight if my foot will allow it.

I need to shake this sadness. It's not useful. It's not likeable. It's not getting me anywhere good. I probably should not see my kittens. How silly is it that it's been a year and almost 10 months and my heart still aches this badly? Bullshit.