48 hours

In 48 hours I will be on the sandy beaches of Mexico with a bunch of crazy people I barely know. I cannot wait to sink my toes into the sand and throw my face into thick saltiness of the ocean. Freedom. This is freedom. I keep trying to find the words to describe how I feel these days but they escape me. Lucky is an understatement.

When I saw Brian with Gina in the car... did I tell you this story? If not, it's just that I saw them in the car together and it was the first time I've seen her since November of 09 and the first time I've seen him in months. He did not look happy. She did not look happy. And it's not that that makes me happy. It doesn't. I don't wish them suffering. Suffering is a worthless and life wasting endeavor that no one deserves. But seeing them makes me realize how fucking, amazingly lucky I am to have escaped when I did. I sort of realized it before, but now I'm so very positive that my body feels like it is going to burst with fucking joy. Yes, that is how I feel. I'm sure I've said this before but it's just enescapable and all-encompassing.


School is good. I don't want to be stuck there for 3 months while the sun shines but I will suck it up and get it done.


Work is still awesome. I'm stressed this week because there is a ton to do. But even the stress is a million times better than past jobs. Last week for about the 20th time my boss told me that I am doing awesome. She also said she just trusts me. She trusts that I will get things done no questions asked. Wow. It feels fucking good to finally be treated with respect. I love it here.


Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. What to say about that? I am going to Mexico with him. We are planning to go to Hawaii in December. He tells me we will be spending the majority of our summer weekends out on his friend's boat on the St. Croix. These are the friends that we are going to Mexico for -- it's their wedding. And last week I got a real glimpse at them. At first it bothered me, the things they were saying about each other and their history, etc. But the way that they love each other, or more importantly the way that they love Kevin, is so very lovely. I want to be by this man's side whether we are on a boat, sitting on the front porch, or digging our feet into the sand. I think he feels similarly. If things were to blow up in 48 hours or 30 days or a year, my heart would break. Wow, I was going to say just the opposite to prove my toughness. But then I realized I would be totally lying. I feel really happy and really lucky and I don't want to see this come to an end any time in the near future. I do not need this man or any man or any person, but it sure it good to have a companion... someone to care for who really cares back. I do believe he cares back. I only wish I could open up and tell him some of these things. I'm just not there yet. I still feel a bit protective. I think that's natural. I think in a way it is smart.


Anyway, I am the sort of happy that I hope makes people a little sick to their stomachs. It should, really. If it doesn't well then lucky you, because that means you are happy too. And that's a good thing (that's something Kev would say). Ok, I better get back to work. So much to do before the trip. Can't contain myself. Can't fucking keep it underwraps. I need some good rocking out music and I need it now!
By the way, I'm going to Mexico. nah, nah, boo, boo. ;) (yes, I am 5)
 
FYI. Just because I'm all skippy, happy, joy, joy, does not mean I've lost my cynical hard edge. Fuck that. I've still got plenty of dark underneath it all. I can still kick some serious ass and am happy to do so.