half written

I've have written several posts and then I sort of drift off. These last few days have been an insane spiral of good and bad and excitement and questioning. This is what happens when your love is tossed and turned and you see the bright and the dark all intertwined. Mostly I am dancing and joyful. And yet, I feel some guilt for that. I feel some trepidation about feeling positive. I feel ready and needing to finish the sever and yet I don't know how. I feel the weight of guilt. There is still this part of me that blames me. There is still part of me that feels responsible. But I'm sitting here waiting for text messages. I am sitting here listening to various variations of Throw Your Arms Around Me. I love the line, "shed your skin and let's get started." I'm in love with this romantic little ditty. I can't quite get enough of the sugary sweetness.

Tonight I went to happy hour with the girls. I have girls. ha! And I shared with them things I probably shouldn't have shared. The way that they supported me and they way they supported this idea that I am growing and moving and strong and lucky, well it was nice. We're thinking of taking a girl's trip. This sort of thing is so entirely new to me. Part of me is cringing a bit and yet part of me is thrilled. I have girls. Ha.

Tomorrow night I am heading to St. Cloud for date #3 and day #7 (wow, where did those days go) of a sort of tornado of messages and intensity. I still do not know this person and he still does not know me. But I had forgotten how fun the learning can be. And as an adult even more so. There are still those silly anxieties and kid-like flirtations. But the games are less. The potential rejection, not quite as frightening. My life does not feel threatened. I feel in the moment and in the experience and I am trying to enjoy every single little moment. I'm looking so forward to spending another night getting to know his intricacies and desires. It's so crazy to discover the similarities and total differences. For instance, we both adore music and much of the same music. And yet, he likes recorded music because he likes the effort and the ability of a musician to tailor it to sound how he/she means for it to sound. And here, I prefer live music. I like the rawness and the imperfection. It's an interesting and fun contradiction. It brings new understanding. The things we can teach each other are enormous when we open ourselves up.

I need to brush my teeth and crawl and bed now. I go to bed happy.

Let me leave you with this song. 3 versions from my least favorite to my favorite. Be prepared to have it leaving you feel longing or love or some beautiful, wicked combination.

Allison Kraus

Hunters and Collectors

Eddie Vedder

songs for Friday

I'm feeling the music. Cherish this lovely feeling with me by listening to some delightful tunes:

Pearl Jam,Throw Your Arms Around Me!

Counting Crows, Good Time.

Ryan Adams, Answering Bell

Florence and the Machine My Boy Builds Coffins

4 A's, 1 B

That's right, I aced school. I mean, seriously, who can complain about those grades? Not I.  I'm pretty stoked. And tomorrow I'm going skydiving again. Ah ha. You heard me. It's going to rock. And Sunday, I have a date. Yep, I'm going on another date. Totally new guy. He seems super awesome in writing, just like the others. I've got my fingers crossed but no super crazy expectations. I'm lying. Lying. Lying. Lying.
Anyway, I feel good today even though I am running on 3 hours of sleep and coffee. It's funny how a little happiness can wash the sleepiness right away. Tonight I'm gonna die, but hey it's all good. I don't have any school for a few weeks. I do not have to think about anything except enjoyment. Pleasure. Life. It's Friday.

it's the love drug.

Seriously, could I listen to this damn Satellite band any more? It's sort of cheesy, I know, but I am totally obsessed. 

Do you ever hear about people who are all giddy and smitten and just want to smash their stupid little heads into a million teeny, tiny pieces? Fine, it's not really that you want to smash them. Rather, you'd like to extract all that butterfly, joy-joy, right out of their bodies and inject it into your own veins. Sit back and take a deep breath, baby. This is gonna be an earth shattering ride. Do you feel that pressure in your abdomen? Is your breathing getting shallow and your lips dry? That's right, let yourself over to it. Lick your lips. Let your chest rise and fall. Close your eyes. Feel that warmth in your ears, in your cheeks, and  your... umm, you know what I'm saying? That burning, oh it's coming for you and it's coming quick. Hold on tight there, sexy. Let it last. Oh god, just another second. Slow it down. Freeze. Oh Jesus, you can't, It's coming. It's on. It's so on. It's gone. Fucking gone. Where to get just another fix? Just one more... I mean, I can live without it for fuck sake. I just want enough for my toes to curl up all tight and my eyes to involuntarily bat -- just one more time.

Now that's a drug I would beg, borrow, steal, grovel, and quite possibly give up most of my integrity for.